Hayden's 2nd Birthday in Heaven

I have been so behind on blogging....not just for Hayden, but for Hudson too. I feel guilty about both; for Hayden because I feel like the only way I can continue to keep his memory alive is to blog, and for Hudson because my blogs aren't as thorough as Hayden's.

*sigh*

I guess better late than never.

Hayden's birthday was a little difficult this year since my mom wasn't able to be here since she moved to Monterey. I had a hard time coming up with what I wanted to do in his memory, and couldn't justify having a 'party' because, well, it just didn't feel right in my opinion. I looked online, tried to think of ideas, and really nothing came to mind. As January 8th approached, my anxiety grew that I had nothing planned to remember my precious little boy. One night, I was praying God would give me insight to what to do to remember our baby boy. It then hit me: all the babies that don't get remembered/or visited. Some of the resting places out in 'Baby Land' at the cemetery look as though they have not received flowers in 20 years (if ever). It was then put on my heart that that was exactly what we would do to 'celebrate' Hayden's 2nd birthday in heaven- place fresh flowers at each resting place.

I sent out an evite to some of the closest friends and family who were with us during the time Hayden went to heaven and everyone attended, even Melanie who was literally in labor and gave birth, miraculously, later that same evening (such a God thing). It was myself, Mel, Nana, Jim (my father in law), Cathleen and Harper, Nicole, and Anna. I was really disappointed that Jeff couldn't make it due to work. He still has yet to go out to visit Hayden. I think he just feels he doesn't have to to remember him, which is okay, though I really don't understand that way of thinking. Each person brought flowers and amazingly enough, over 300 babies received flowers. It was an incredible sight to see as the empty, grey, stones filled with bright, new, light and color. My father in law brought balloons which we released. It was really, the perfect day. I know Hayden would have loved it, and that he was smiling down the entire time.

After, Cathleen and myself and Harper all went to Panera for a good lunch. I had to work afterwards, but my heart was so full, I did not shed a single tear the entire day. It was just too beautiful. Here are some pictures of the day. Another amazing thing was I posted on Facebook that anyone who would like to light a candle in remembrance of Hayden, to post on Facebook and tag me so I could make a collage for his scrap book. There were 100+ candles lit. Incredibly overwhelming. Here are a few below. I miss my baby boy so much, but am so grateful for the amazing people that got together to help me accomplish such an amazing deed in Hayden's honor.

A Month

In one month, it will have been 2 years since we lost our precious baby boy. So much has changed in these past two years...I can't even believe it's been this long. The rollercoaster of grief has been something I would almost call an out of body experience; what I would call the new 'normal' for me anyway.

It seems like everything after Hayden just simply didn't matter. I know that sounds terrible but it's honestly how I felt for a long time. I became a person I truly don't understand and am now becoming someone I would much rather get to know. My heart felt ugly, dark, deceitful. I find myself now looking to God for everything, which is what I always known to do, and just haven't done it. Not because I thought it was pointless or was trying to be definent, but for a reason I honestly can't even understand myself. The good news is that I am no longer that person. I feel so thankful for the lessons I have learned and the emotions I have felt since having Hayden.

I have felt so guilty about "telling" Hayden he is going to be a big brother. I know, that sounds very strange. I promise I'm no psychotic, but I talk to my son, and I feel like if I tell him, he will feel replaced. ((I understand that he already knows lol)) That is why I haven't put it on this blog honestly. I really don't know how to write about the fact that we are expecting Hayden's little brother or sister on HIS blog. I guess it's because I have always written for him on here and I don't want him to feel like we have just moved on and forgotten.

I don't know, it's silly I guess. I plan to have a birthday party for Hayden again this year...maybe do a cookie decorating and balloon release or something... not sure yet. I just can't believe it has been almost two years. Absolutely crazy.

I just want him to know I still love him. He was and always will be my first born son, my little boy, and the first little boy who ever truly stole my heart.


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A Baby In His Row

It's so odd...the stages of grief. I have found that there are times that I truly forget that I am a mom. Just because of the hustle and bustle of every day life, other distractions. Never once do I completely forget my baby boy...

It's times like when I think about what Hayden would be doing at this time that I truly remember. He would be 19 months old right now...playing about running around scraping up his knees. He would be the most beautiful boy ever. My mom told me that there was recently another baby buried in Hayden's row. The row is almost full. The baby's name is Hayden too. It breaks my heart to think that just 19 months ago the dirt was fresh where Hayden was layed to rest.

I miss him all the time. ALL the time. But what is so weird is I feel okay most of the time. Some things people say get to me at times, but I know he is happy where he is, dancing in the clouds and watching over me.  My little angel. <3 br="br">

I Haven't Forgotten

While some may think while I haven't kept up on my blog that I have simply forgotten about my son when really, this is the farthest from the truth. As a matter of fact, the last few months I have thought of Hayden more than ever. In October we moved into a new home. What this means is, though Hayden's crib and furniture are set up in a bedroom in this new house, Hayden officially no longer as "his room". This was very difficult to deal with, as I couldn't bare the thought of putting away all of his clothes and stuffed animals. I kept them out, hoping that maybe I would become pregnant again and his sibling would be able to use his things. Obviously that has not happened and the longer the room remains empty, the more I give up each day on having another child. The pain of spending what should have been Hayden's first Christmas without him was easily drunk away, tears hidden behind multiple glasses of wine and eaten in hoards of food. Many of our family members made this time as special as it could be, but nothing could ease the pain for more than a temporary time. The one year anniversary of Hayden's passing came and went....family came over and spent time with us....it was a nice celebration. My emotions had become numb by now; I hadn't really felt much around the last few months and was surprised that I didn't cry through all of these events....not even once. The following months were full of birthdays and other celebrations....Still, no pregnancy and the amount of jealousy of others who were continuously announcing pregnancies was growing rapidly. As a matter of fact, I hadn't felt this until two friends (that I had assumed were close friends) both "hid" pregnancies from me--one I found about from another friend who assumed I knew already and the other I found out because of an obvious post on facebook. I am sure they 'only told a few people'...I had at least assumed I was close enough to each of them to be one of the first to know. Funny, as "strong" as people think I am, they still feel that hiding something such as this will be 'better' for me. I really wish people would stop trying to 'protect' me, and just tell me how it is. ESPECIALLY if we are supposedly "close". And when my one friend miscarried a couple weeks ago, of course I was there for her...I am good at that...and obviously wouldn't let someone go through that without being their for them, whether I am hurt or not...Anyway, the bottom line is, no, I haven't forgotten about Hayden. The shirts I had made for the Angel Babies walk this year were amazing. I was so proud sporting my sweet baby's feet on my shirt, making sure everyone knew I was his mommy. I may not 'do' as much as other angel baby mothers or parents, however, I absolutely have NOT forgotten. Every single thing I feel has a connection to Hayden and I think about him every day in every breath I take. The somber tone of this post I suppose just comes from a broken heart right now. Maybe even a jealous heart. A when is it going to be my turn heart. A why me heart. An it's not fair heart. An I miss Hayden heart.

Disappointed (warning: this is a whiney post)

I am really disappointed in SOME of our friends lately. Ya know, Jeff and I have made it to every baby shower, birthday party, and whatever else event that our friends have put on. We have always been there at the drop of a hat when someone needed help, a favor or anything. I am really sick of when we need something or need support, people are suddenly just so uncontrollably busy that they can't even take one evening out of their entire lives to come for an hour and remember our son. It's like we take second place to everything.
It really hurts my feelings to know that myself and my family are constantly second in everyone's minds. We are never invited over to places anymore, probably because we don't have kids or something....what the hell is that?? I haven't even really sat, hung out, or talked to my some of who I think of as my best friends in who knows how long. I know people are busy, hell, we just moved into a new house and there is a lot to be done, but I still find time to text message my friends and I TRY to hang out with them, but they are just way too busy I guess. Just because our kid is not living, he deserves just as much attention as everyone elses. Obviously some people don't feel that way. It is really disappointing.  I just feel that me and my family should be important enough to be made time for.

Finally we are so excited about something in our lives---our house, and only ONE friend came to help us move. We were lucky to have Jeff's dad there to help because had he not been there we would have moved on our own. We were also lucky to have our friend to help us one Saturday to move some of the big stuff. I sent out invites to our housewarming party, mostly to family and then Jeff's friends at the guard. None of the friends have RSVP'd or responded. I am hoping in the future we find some really true friends we can hang out with. Ones that will respect and think of us just like we respect and think of them. I am sick of us going out on a limb constantly and getting next to nothing in return. I am not a selfish person, but I am very protective of my family and am especially protective when it comes to my son. Sorry for the rant, but I just needed to vent.

I am so thankful for the friends I have gained since everything happened with Hayden--friends that stepped up so much more than even our closest friends. Some are people I hardly talked to prior to everything that happened with Hayden. Thank you so much for being there for us. I am also soooo incredibly lucky to have my family. My FAMILY is my best friends. Period. I have definitely learned that. Hope things change soon. I am very emotional when it comes to my family and my son and I have finally just had it with being sad about this all the time. I'm just not going to put out the effort anymore. If people want to hang out with us, they can do some of the work I guess.

Getting Through "Baby Season"

Honestly. Everyone is either announcing pregnancy or just gave birth. It is probably the hardest thing in the world for me right now to sit here with a smile plastered on my face and act like I am not beyond envious. I know that my 'time will come' but holy crap. We have been trying for like 6 months and nothing but a miscarriage which I call a 'teaser' pregnancy. I have no one else to whine to, my husband is sick of hearing about it and no one else wants to hear me whine, so I'll just sit here and feel sorry for myself right here. My heart aches every single day for a baby. Yes, I am very excited for our new house, but at the same time, I want to be pregnant more than anything in the world. It seems as though everyone but me is getting to experience this wonderful thing that I got cheated out of. I am not angry at God, I am just angry. I want to be a mother and I am not understanding why I don't get to be. I just went and had a bunch of blood tests done and I am back to being healthy. The doctor said, "Now would be a good time to get pregnant because you are in really good health right now."....Well, tell that to whoever makes the decisions around here. I am just ready to carry a baby again and it's not fair that after all I have been through I have to just sit here and watch everyone else be happy. I hate sounding this selfish, but I have to get it out. I promise I will be a good mom. I go out and visit Hayden every day, cut the grass from around his headstone, clean it off, bring him fresh flowers- everything I can do for him to be a good mom. I will give a baby all of me, all of my love and focus. I just don't understand why I can't have my turn :((

Challenging

Thinking about my son is not challenging. Missing and loving him unconditionally is not challenging. But finding the words to describe this and finding new things to blog about is extremely challenging. It seems as time passes, I tend to get distracted, definitely not forget about, from writing to Hayden and putting my feelings on paper. There is not a day that goes by that I don't think about what would have been or see a 4 month old baby and think, "Gee, had he made it to full term thats the age he would be". Or an 8 month old and think, "Wow, had he survived, thats the age he would be". It's just constant. I haven't been able to really voice it on here, but here I am today spilling my thoughts and guts again and it's good to be back.

The Face2Face group has been going really well. We went and got pedicures together last month and plan to get a little craft project/donation together this month. As we are building the house, knowing that Hayden's nursery will no longer be there is difficult, but we are excited about the memorial we will be putting in the back yard in honor of him. I think it is really important that he has his own space in our new home.

Anyway, I am really out of things to say for now. Funny how you can love someone so much that there are just no words. I think about you every day baby boy and miss you so much. xoxo <3