Hayden's Sea Shell

I found the most beautiful, tiny, white sand dollar when I went to Cayucos/Morro Bay this past weekend for 4th of July. I couldn't help but think of Hayden as this perfectly formed, beautiful creature lay so peaceful on the sand, washed up by the ocean. I wrote a poem to go with it, and here is a photo of the shell I found. I thought it would be appropriate since today, Hayden would have been 6 months old.

Hayden's Sea Shell

By: Kaila Pfeifer

I found a little sea shell, 

so tiny and so small,

white and pure and beautiful,

and perfect best of all.

To see something so fragile, 

and perfect as can be,

it's really hard to understand,

why it was washed up by the sea.

I picked it up and held it,

knowing nothing was inside,

I thought, 'how could something

so perfect be left behind.'

So I put it in my pocket,

and it sits here on my shelf,

reminding me of others,

who have gone through a loss like myself.

This tiny little sea shell,

formed and made so perfect,

just as my little angel was,

and that is something I won't forget. 

It doesn't matter, human or not,

the loss tears at your soul,

It must hurt the ocean too,

to lose something so beautiful.

Thinking

I've been thinking about my baby boy so much lately....just thinking about the fact that he would have been 5 months old last Wednesday had he lived....thinking about how he would be 2 and a half months old had he been born on his due date....just about the woulda, coulda, shouldas a lot. Just missing him so much. I've also been regretting not holding him longer....having professional photos taken of us...I just wish I would have known at the time how to handle that situation, but then again, how could you know? **sigh** I'm also out of ideas for how to decorate his headstone for this month ;( I entered his photo with Jeff kissing his head in a photo contest on Facebook....I haven't checked in a while, but last I checked we were tied for first place. I don't care anymore cuz I know he is the cutest and that that photo is the cutest. :) To me anyway. Ughh Just missing him...there's my little rant. :) Love you baby boy!

 I took these on a couple different days last week...blue skies like these remind me of Hayden :)

Hayden's Beach :)

Wow...I have NOT been good at updating this regularly....BAD MOMMY! To make matter worse, My hopes to release a lei in honor of Hayden never happened while we were in Maui....Not sure why, but we let it slip our minds??? There really isn't an excuse....however, I did think about him the entire time and wrote his name in the sand at every beach we went to. I was sooooo lucky to have MULTIPLE friends "babysit" his headstone and clean it and 'play' there while we were away, and for that I am SOOO thankful. I love all of you guys and appreciate you more than you know. Anywho...Here's a photo of Hayden's Beach :) I love and miss you baby boy <3

P.S. I am also going to post photos from the Angel Babies "Walk To Remember" that we did on May 7th....I was SOOOOOO wonderful, yet saddening to see all of us mothers there to walk for our babies mother's day weekend.

Thank you to all who donated money, time, and/or walked with us......I truly appreciate it; Angel Babies is SUCH a wonderful organization.

International Babylost Mother's Day: May 1st 2011

Next Sunday I am hosting a Mother's Day luncheon for my Face 2 Face group in honor of International Babylost Mother's Day. Here is the poem I wrote for the ladies (as well as myself). Enjoy! :)

Mother's Day

Some do not understand,
or remember me today.
Just 'cause my baby is not here,
do I not qualify for Mother's Day?

A mother loves her child,
to the ends of the Earth,
she carries her baby in her womb,
and awaits her baby's birth.

She treasures every moment
she spent with her precious baby,
I felt, knew, and know these things,
so why shouldn't Mother's Day be for me?

A homemade Mother's Day card from my baby,
I never get to see,
but what my baby made me feel,
is what made me a Mommy.

Today is a day for Mother's,
and though it may not always show,
I am as much of a Mother as
any other that I know.

Happy International Babylost Mother's Day to all of the Angel Baby Mommies out there. xoxo

Baby Rhames

My birthday is tomorrow and my aunt is starting pitocin as I write this so it looks like her baby and I will share a birthday! I am very excited for her. We were pregnant together (only 2 weeks apart) and I couldn't be happier for her. Keep her in your thoughts tonight. I know Hayden is watching over his baby cousin tonight :)

My Beautiful Boy is still making an Impact

  

Jeff and I were so excited to go out to the cemetery the other day to find his permanent headstone was placed. It is just gorgeous.I still can't get over how big his feet were for being only 28w 4d gestation...Those are his feet to size!!

Also, for my "Hayden J is Here to Stay" pledge page (raising pledges in honor of Angel Babies) $70.00 has already been raised!! I am so pleased! :)) PLEASE spread the word and if anyone can donate ANYTHING  (even $3.00) It would be a wonderful gesture. HERE is the link.

My boy is making me stronger and stronger every day. I love him so much for that. I can't wait until he chooses a perfect little brother or sister and sends him/her down from heaven to be with us. I know Hayden is gonna be choosey 'cause he wants the best for his mama and dada :)

Strange Dream

Last night I dreamed that I was in the hospital giving birth to Hayden and the doctors placed him on my chest. I already knew he was gone, but I wanted to sleep through the night with him on my chest. Suddenly, he started breathing and came back to life. I was so excited! Later on, I was on a trip with some friends and we all had our babies with us, and in our hotel rooms, there were needles and syringes all over our hotel room floor. It was so weird...Today also marks exactly three months since I gave birth.
Anyone have a dream interpretation book?