I Haven't Forgotten

While some may think while I haven't kept up on my blog that I have simply forgotten about my son when really, this is the farthest from the truth. As a matter of fact, the last few months I have thought of Hayden more than ever. In October we moved into a new home. What this means is, though Hayden's crib and furniture are set up in a bedroom in this new house, Hayden officially no longer as "his room". This was very difficult to deal with, as I couldn't bare the thought of putting away all of his clothes and stuffed animals. I kept them out, hoping that maybe I would become pregnant again and his sibling would be able to use his things. Obviously that has not happened and the longer the room remains empty, the more I give up each day on having another child. The pain of spending what should have been Hayden's first Christmas without him was easily drunk away, tears hidden behind multiple glasses of wine and eaten in hoards of food. Many of our family members made this time as special as it could be, but nothing could ease the pain for more than a temporary time. The one year anniversary of Hayden's passing came and went....family came over and spent time with us....it was a nice celebration. My emotions had become numb by now; I hadn't really felt much around the last few months and was surprised that I didn't cry through all of these events....not even once. The following months were full of birthdays and other celebrations....Still, no pregnancy and the amount of jealousy of others who were continuously announcing pregnancies was growing rapidly. As a matter of fact, I hadn't felt this until two friends (that I had assumed were close friends) both "hid" pregnancies from me--one I found about from another friend who assumed I knew already and the other I found out because of an obvious post on facebook. I am sure they 'only told a few people'...I had at least assumed I was close enough to each of them to be one of the first to know. Funny, as "strong" as people think I am, they still feel that hiding something such as this will be 'better' for me. I really wish people would stop trying to 'protect' me, and just tell me how it is. ESPECIALLY if we are supposedly "close". And when my one friend miscarried a couple weeks ago, of course I was there for her...I am good at that...and obviously wouldn't let someone go through that without being their for them, whether I am hurt or not...Anyway, the bottom line is, no, I haven't forgotten about Hayden. The shirts I had made for the Angel Babies walk this year were amazing. I was so proud sporting my sweet baby's feet on my shirt, making sure everyone knew I was his mommy. I may not 'do' as much as other angel baby mothers or parents, however, I absolutely have NOT forgotten. Every single thing I feel has a connection to Hayden and I think about him every day in every breath I take. The somber tone of this post I suppose just comes from a broken heart right now. Maybe even a jealous heart. A when is it going to be my turn heart. A why me heart. An it's not fair heart. An I miss Hayden heart.

Disappointed (warning: this is a whiney post)

I am really disappointed in SOME of our friends lately. Ya know, Jeff and I have made it to every baby shower, birthday party, and whatever else event that our friends have put on. We have always been there at the drop of a hat when someone needed help, a favor or anything. I am really sick of when we need something or need support, people are suddenly just so uncontrollably busy that they can't even take one evening out of their entire lives to come for an hour and remember our son. It's like we take second place to everything.
It really hurts my feelings to know that myself and my family are constantly second in everyone's minds. We are never invited over to places anymore, probably because we don't have kids or something....what the hell is that?? I haven't even really sat, hung out, or talked to my some of who I think of as my best friends in who knows how long. I know people are busy, hell, we just moved into a new house and there is a lot to be done, but I still find time to text message my friends and I TRY to hang out with them, but they are just way too busy I guess. Just because our kid is not living, he deserves just as much attention as everyone elses. Obviously some people don't feel that way. It is really disappointing.  I just feel that me and my family should be important enough to be made time for.

Finally we are so excited about something in our lives---our house, and only ONE friend came to help us move. We were lucky to have Jeff's dad there to help because had he not been there we would have moved on our own. We were also lucky to have our friend to help us one Saturday to move some of the big stuff. I sent out invites to our housewarming party, mostly to family and then Jeff's friends at the guard. None of the friends have RSVP'd or responded. I am hoping in the future we find some really true friends we can hang out with. Ones that will respect and think of us just like we respect and think of them. I am sick of us going out on a limb constantly and getting next to nothing in return. I am not a selfish person, but I am very protective of my family and am especially protective when it comes to my son. Sorry for the rant, but I just needed to vent.

I am so thankful for the friends I have gained since everything happened with Hayden--friends that stepped up so much more than even our closest friends. Some are people I hardly talked to prior to everything that happened with Hayden. Thank you so much for being there for us. I am also soooo incredibly lucky to have my family. My FAMILY is my best friends. Period. I have definitely learned that. Hope things change soon. I am very emotional when it comes to my family and my son and I have finally just had it with being sad about this all the time. I'm just not going to put out the effort anymore. If people want to hang out with us, they can do some of the work I guess.

Getting Through "Baby Season"

Honestly. Everyone is either announcing pregnancy or just gave birth. It is probably the hardest thing in the world for me right now to sit here with a smile plastered on my face and act like I am not beyond envious. I know that my 'time will come' but holy crap. We have been trying for like 6 months and nothing but a miscarriage which I call a 'teaser' pregnancy. I have no one else to whine to, my husband is sick of hearing about it and no one else wants to hear me whine, so I'll just sit here and feel sorry for myself right here. My heart aches every single day for a baby. Yes, I am very excited for our new house, but at the same time, I want to be pregnant more than anything in the world. It seems as though everyone but me is getting to experience this wonderful thing that I got cheated out of. I am not angry at God, I am just angry. I want to be a mother and I am not understanding why I don't get to be. I just went and had a bunch of blood tests done and I am back to being healthy. The doctor said, "Now would be a good time to get pregnant because you are in really good health right now."....Well, tell that to whoever makes the decisions around here. I am just ready to carry a baby again and it's not fair that after all I have been through I have to just sit here and watch everyone else be happy. I hate sounding this selfish, but I have to get it out. I promise I will be a good mom. I go out and visit Hayden every day, cut the grass from around his headstone, clean it off, bring him fresh flowers- everything I can do for him to be a good mom. I will give a baby all of me, all of my love and focus. I just don't understand why I can't have my turn :((

Challenging

Thinking about my son is not challenging. Missing and loving him unconditionally is not challenging. But finding the words to describe this and finding new things to blog about is extremely challenging. It seems as time passes, I tend to get distracted, definitely not forget about, from writing to Hayden and putting my feelings on paper. There is not a day that goes by that I don't think about what would have been or see a 4 month old baby and think, "Gee, had he made it to full term thats the age he would be". Or an 8 month old and think, "Wow, had he survived, thats the age he would be". It's just constant. I haven't been able to really voice it on here, but here I am today spilling my thoughts and guts again and it's good to be back.

The Face2Face group has been going really well. We went and got pedicures together last month and plan to get a little craft project/donation together this month. As we are building the house, knowing that Hayden's nursery will no longer be there is difficult, but we are excited about the memorial we will be putting in the back yard in honor of him. I think it is really important that he has his own space in our new home.

Anyway, I am really out of things to say for now. Funny how you can love someone so much that there are just no words. I think about you every day baby boy and miss you so much. xoxo <3

Hayden's Sea Shell

I found the most beautiful, tiny, white sand dollar when I went to Cayucos/Morro Bay this past weekend for 4th of July. I couldn't help but think of Hayden as this perfectly formed, beautiful creature lay so peaceful on the sand, washed up by the ocean. I wrote a poem to go with it, and here is a photo of the shell I found. I thought it would be appropriate since today, Hayden would have been 6 months old.

Hayden's Sea Shell

By: Kaila Pfeifer

I found a little sea shell, 

so tiny and so small,

white and pure and beautiful,

and perfect best of all.

To see something so fragile, 

and perfect as can be,

it's really hard to understand,

why it was washed up by the sea.

I picked it up and held it,

knowing nothing was inside,

I thought, 'how could something

so perfect be left behind.'

So I put it in my pocket,

and it sits here on my shelf,

reminding me of others,

who have gone through a loss like myself.

This tiny little sea shell,

formed and made so perfect,

just as my little angel was,

and that is something I won't forget. 

It doesn't matter, human or not,

the loss tears at your soul,

It must hurt the ocean too,

to lose something so beautiful.

Thinking

I've been thinking about my baby boy so much lately....just thinking about the fact that he would have been 5 months old last Wednesday had he lived....thinking about how he would be 2 and a half months old had he been born on his due date....just about the woulda, coulda, shouldas a lot. Just missing him so much. I've also been regretting not holding him longer....having professional photos taken of us...I just wish I would have known at the time how to handle that situation, but then again, how could you know? **sigh** I'm also out of ideas for how to decorate his headstone for this month ;( I entered his photo with Jeff kissing his head in a photo contest on Facebook....I haven't checked in a while, but last I checked we were tied for first place. I don't care anymore cuz I know he is the cutest and that that photo is the cutest. :) To me anyway. Ughh Just missing him...there's my little rant. :) Love you baby boy!

 I took these on a couple different days last week...blue skies like these remind me of Hayden :)

Hayden's Beach :)

Wow...I have NOT been good at updating this regularly....BAD MOMMY! To make matter worse, My hopes to release a lei in honor of Hayden never happened while we were in Maui....Not sure why, but we let it slip our minds??? There really isn't an excuse....however, I did think about him the entire time and wrote his name in the sand at every beach we went to. I was sooooo lucky to have MULTIPLE friends "babysit" his headstone and clean it and 'play' there while we were away, and for that I am SOOO thankful. I love all of you guys and appreciate you more than you know. Anywho...Here's a photo of Hayden's Beach :) I love and miss you baby boy <3

P.S. I am also going to post photos from the Angel Babies "Walk To Remember" that we did on May 7th....I was SOOOOOO wonderful, yet saddening to see all of us mothers there to walk for our babies mother's day weekend.

Thank you to all who donated money, time, and/or walked with us......I truly appreciate it; Angel Babies is SUCH a wonderful organization.