Disappointed (warning: this is a whiney post)

I am really disappointed in SOME of our friends lately. Ya know, Jeff and I have made it to every baby shower, birthday party, and whatever else event that our friends have put on. We have always been there at the drop of a hat when someone needed help, a favor or anything. I am really sick of when we need something or need support, people are suddenly just so uncontrollably busy that they can't even take one evening out of their entire lives to come for an hour and remember our son. It's like we take second place to everything.
It really hurts my feelings to know that myself and my family are constantly second in everyone's minds. We are never invited over to places anymore, probably because we don't have kids or something....what the hell is that?? I haven't even really sat, hung out, or talked to my some of who I think of as my best friends in who knows how long. I know people are busy, hell, we just moved into a new house and there is a lot to be done, but I still find time to text message my friends and I TRY to hang out with them, but they are just way too busy I guess. Just because our kid is not living, he deserves just as much attention as everyone elses. Obviously some people don't feel that way. It is really disappointing.  I just feel that me and my family should be important enough to be made time for.

Finally we are so excited about something in our lives---our house, and only ONE friend came to help us move. We were lucky to have Jeff's dad there to help because had he not been there we would have moved on our own. We were also lucky to have our friend to help us one Saturday to move some of the big stuff. I sent out invites to our housewarming party, mostly to family and then Jeff's friends at the guard. None of the friends have RSVP'd or responded. I am hoping in the future we find some really true friends we can hang out with. Ones that will respect and think of us just like we respect and think of them. I am sick of us going out on a limb constantly and getting next to nothing in return. I am not a selfish person, but I am very protective of my family and am especially protective when it comes to my son. Sorry for the rant, but I just needed to vent.

I am so thankful for the friends I have gained since everything happened with Hayden--friends that stepped up so much more than even our closest friends. Some are people I hardly talked to prior to everything that happened with Hayden. Thank you so much for being there for us. I am also soooo incredibly lucky to have my family. My FAMILY is my best friends. Period. I have definitely learned that. Hope things change soon. I am very emotional when it comes to my family and my son and I have finally just had it with being sad about this all the time. I'm just not going to put out the effort anymore. If people want to hang out with us, they can do some of the work I guess.

Getting Through "Baby Season"

Honestly. Everyone is either announcing pregnancy or just gave birth. It is probably the hardest thing in the world for me right now to sit here with a smile plastered on my face and act like I am not beyond envious. I know that my 'time will come' but holy crap. We have been trying for like 6 months and nothing but a miscarriage which I call a 'teaser' pregnancy. I have no one else to whine to, my husband is sick of hearing about it and no one else wants to hear me whine, so I'll just sit here and feel sorry for myself right here. My heart aches every single day for a baby. Yes, I am very excited for our new house, but at the same time, I want to be pregnant more than anything in the world. It seems as though everyone but me is getting to experience this wonderful thing that I got cheated out of. I am not angry at God, I am just angry. I want to be a mother and I am not understanding why I don't get to be. I just went and had a bunch of blood tests done and I am back to being healthy. The doctor said, "Now would be a good time to get pregnant because you are in really good health right now."....Well, tell that to whoever makes the decisions around here. I am just ready to carry a baby again and it's not fair that after all I have been through I have to just sit here and watch everyone else be happy. I hate sounding this selfish, but I have to get it out. I promise I will be a good mom. I go out and visit Hayden every day, cut the grass from around his headstone, clean it off, bring him fresh flowers- everything I can do for him to be a good mom. I will give a baby all of me, all of my love and focus. I just don't understand why I can't have my turn :((

Challenging

Thinking about my son is not challenging. Missing and loving him unconditionally is not challenging. But finding the words to describe this and finding new things to blog about is extremely challenging. It seems as time passes, I tend to get distracted, definitely not forget about, from writing to Hayden and putting my feelings on paper. There is not a day that goes by that I don't think about what would have been or see a 4 month old baby and think, "Gee, had he made it to full term thats the age he would be". Or an 8 month old and think, "Wow, had he survived, thats the age he would be". It's just constant. I haven't been able to really voice it on here, but here I am today spilling my thoughts and guts again and it's good to be back.

The Face2Face group has been going really well. We went and got pedicures together last month and plan to get a little craft project/donation together this month. As we are building the house, knowing that Hayden's nursery will no longer be there is difficult, but we are excited about the memorial we will be putting in the back yard in honor of him. I think it is really important that he has his own space in our new home.

Anyway, I am really out of things to say for now. Funny how you can love someone so much that there are just no words. I think about you every day baby boy and miss you so much. xoxo <3

Hayden's Sea Shell

I found the most beautiful, tiny, white sand dollar when I went to Cayucos/Morro Bay this past weekend for 4th of July. I couldn't help but think of Hayden as this perfectly formed, beautiful creature lay so peaceful on the sand, washed up by the ocean. I wrote a poem to go with it, and here is a photo of the shell I found. I thought it would be appropriate since today, Hayden would have been 6 months old.

Hayden's Sea Shell

By: Kaila Pfeifer

I found a little sea shell, 

so tiny and so small,

white and pure and beautiful,

and perfect best of all.

To see something so fragile, 

and perfect as can be,

it's really hard to understand,

why it was washed up by the sea.

I picked it up and held it,

knowing nothing was inside,

I thought, 'how could something

so perfect be left behind.'

So I put it in my pocket,

and it sits here on my shelf,

reminding me of others,

who have gone through a loss like myself.

This tiny little sea shell,

formed and made so perfect,

just as my little angel was,

and that is something I won't forget. 

It doesn't matter, human or not,

the loss tears at your soul,

It must hurt the ocean too,

to lose something so beautiful.

Thinking

I've been thinking about my baby boy so much lately....just thinking about the fact that he would have been 5 months old last Wednesday had he lived....thinking about how he would be 2 and a half months old had he been born on his due date....just about the woulda, coulda, shouldas a lot. Just missing him so much. I've also been regretting not holding him longer....having professional photos taken of us...I just wish I would have known at the time how to handle that situation, but then again, how could you know? **sigh** I'm also out of ideas for how to decorate his headstone for this month ;( I entered his photo with Jeff kissing his head in a photo contest on Facebook....I haven't checked in a while, but last I checked we were tied for first place. I don't care anymore cuz I know he is the cutest and that that photo is the cutest. :) To me anyway. Ughh Just missing him...there's my little rant. :) Love you baby boy!

 I took these on a couple different days last week...blue skies like these remind me of Hayden :)

Hayden's Beach :)

Wow...I have NOT been good at updating this regularly....BAD MOMMY! To make matter worse, My hopes to release a lei in honor of Hayden never happened while we were in Maui....Not sure why, but we let it slip our minds??? There really isn't an excuse....however, I did think about him the entire time and wrote his name in the sand at every beach we went to. I was sooooo lucky to have MULTIPLE friends "babysit" his headstone and clean it and 'play' there while we were away, and for that I am SOOO thankful. I love all of you guys and appreciate you more than you know. Anywho...Here's a photo of Hayden's Beach :) I love and miss you baby boy <3

P.S. I am also going to post photos from the Angel Babies "Walk To Remember" that we did on May 7th....I was SOOOOOO wonderful, yet saddening to see all of us mothers there to walk for our babies mother's day weekend.

Thank you to all who donated money, time, and/or walked with us......I truly appreciate it; Angel Babies is SUCH a wonderful organization.

International Babylost Mother's Day: May 1st 2011

Next Sunday I am hosting a Mother's Day luncheon for my Face 2 Face group in honor of International Babylost Mother's Day. Here is the poem I wrote for the ladies (as well as myself). Enjoy! :)

Mother's Day

Some do not understand,
or remember me today.
Just 'cause my baby is not here,
do I not qualify for Mother's Day?

A mother loves her child,
to the ends of the Earth,
she carries her baby in her womb,
and awaits her baby's birth.

She treasures every moment
she spent with her precious baby,
I felt, knew, and know these things,
so why shouldn't Mother's Day be for me?

A homemade Mother's Day card from my baby,
I never get to see,
but what my baby made me feel,
is what made me a Mommy.

Today is a day for Mother's,
and though it may not always show,
I am as much of a Mother as
any other that I know.

Happy International Babylost Mother's Day to all of the Angel Baby Mommies out there. xoxo

Baby Rhames

My birthday is tomorrow and my aunt is starting pitocin as I write this so it looks like her baby and I will share a birthday! I am very excited for her. We were pregnant together (only 2 weeks apart) and I couldn't be happier for her. Keep her in your thoughts tonight. I know Hayden is watching over his baby cousin tonight :)

My Beautiful Boy is still making an Impact

  

Jeff and I were so excited to go out to the cemetery the other day to find his permanent headstone was placed. It is just gorgeous.I still can't get over how big his feet were for being only 28w 4d gestation...Those are his feet to size!!

Also, for my "Hayden J is Here to Stay" pledge page (raising pledges in honor of Angel Babies) $70.00 has already been raised!! I am so pleased! :)) PLEASE spread the word and if anyone can donate ANYTHING  (even $3.00) It would be a wonderful gesture. HERE is the link.

My boy is making me stronger and stronger every day. I love him so much for that. I can't wait until he chooses a perfect little brother or sister and sends him/her down from heaven to be with us. I know Hayden is gonna be choosey 'cause he wants the best for his mama and dada :)

Strange Dream

Last night I dreamed that I was in the hospital giving birth to Hayden and the doctors placed him on my chest. I already knew he was gone, but I wanted to sleep through the night with him on my chest. Suddenly, he started breathing and came back to life. I was so excited! Later on, I was on a trip with some friends and we all had our babies with us, and in our hotel rooms, there were needles and syringes all over our hotel room floor. It was so weird...Today also marks exactly three months since I gave birth.
Anyone have a dream interpretation book?

This day should have gone differently

 I wasn't going to post this until tomorrow, but I know I won't be on here more than likely, so here it is a day early. Be sure to watch the video at the bottom.

This day should have gone much differently,
I shouldn't be alone,
I should be hearing you coo and cry,
and eager to bring you home.

Your tiny fingers should be wrapped around mine,
as I softly kiss your head,
But today I am going to visit your grave,
and place flowers there instead.

I miss you, Hayden, oh so much,
my heart aches every day,
especially when I see everyone else,
watching their children play.

I know that I will see you again,
and that you will recognize me,
I can't wait for that time but until then,
I will always be your mommy.

Though today didn't go as I had planned,
and hoped for it to be,
Now I have an angel,
always watching over me.

~Kaila Pfeifer~

Amazing Dream :)

My little boy paid me a visit again last night....It was so real and I was so depressed when I had to wake up!
Hayden was one years old and all he wanted was for me to hold him. He would just lay his head on my shoulder and sqeeeeeze! He also kept squeezing my hair. We sat down on the floor together and I started reading him a book. He was so chubby and cute with little bottom teeth :) When I started singing 'Head, shoulders, knees and toes' he started doing the little moves. Melanie was there and said 'I need to teach that song to sissy!' It was such a wonderful dream. I am so glad he came to visit me, it has been a while since I got to see him in my dreams :)) <3

Visiting my boy

Yesterday I went and visited my little boy and the cemetery had put his temporary headstone in place. This was all well and dandy, however, they spelled his name WRONG!! They put HEYDEN rather than HAYDEN. Really? How does that happen? Oh well, I got a call from Meachem Memorial and they are just about done with his permanent one any way.
I took some little spring and Easter decor over to him and placed a pinwheel with little chicks and an Easter egg on it, a little boy figurine that is sitting down and painting, some flowers, and some little Easter eggs on sticks. It looks nice and cheery now :)
Next week, I am going to go out and have my lunch with him, maybe just sit there on a blanket and read, IDK. I just love spending time there.
I miss him so much. It was so sad, a little girl was just buried there next to Hayden and his friend James recently...but at least he has some kids his age to play with :)
I am getting really excited for this weekend's pot luck for the Face2Face group! It should be fun! Another small group (expecting about 6) but enough for a great time :))
Our Maui trip is coming up soon and I have been going to Pilates 3 days a week to try and get into shape for that....yikes! I promise to work out throughout my ENTIRE next pregnancy! (unless I am forbidden to do so, of course) I have lost so much muscle tone and flexibility! It's crazy!
Anywho, I think that's all that's going on right now :)
TTYL xoxo

Not a good idea :((

I just went through and read some of my blogs from last June/July/August....during the times I had found out I was pregnant and planning the wedding and everything....I just miss how happy I was...I was SO happy....I can't wait to feel like that again...I was just so dang excited. Usually when someone writes, it is hard to know what tone they are writing in, but I could just hear what I was writing and it was the happiest moments of my life....I just miss my baby so much.....he is all I ever wanted and I was just so ready to be his mommy...man....it hurts so bad....knowing I should be 38 weeks and giving birth any day just absolutely depresses me. I know it makes others feel better to tell me that "it will happen again" and that "I will have my time again" but those are the people who haven't gone through this so it seems like it's the right thing to say....it just really isn't...nothing is the right thing to say honestly. Maybe just saying 'i love you' or 'thinking about you'....if that's really the case. That is better than the other option. I dunno...I guess it just wasn't a good idea to read my old blogs...I wasn't ready for it yet =/

2 months ago

Two months ago to this day, I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy. A beautiful STRONG and BRAVE baby boy who I could not ever imagine my life with out having carried him. He has saved my life and touched so many and it is hard to believe that such a little person could have such a huge impact. I am just absolutely in love with my son and so proud to be his mommy. I miss him every single day, but I know he is so happy up there in heaven. He definitely has some amazing family up there to play with and be with.

I love you Hayden <3

Need

As Hayden's due date is rapidly approaching (less than 4 weeks away), I am in need of some serious prayer. I have been extremely upset and emotional about missing my baby lately....Help me Lord :'(

Tummy ache

I have seriously determined that drinking just cannot be my 'thing'...ever...I get SOOO sick every time! Even if it is just a couple drinks I am like on the toilet the entire next day!! It sucks!

I suppose it isn't good for me anyway, especially in this condition...
I just can't seem to write long blogs anymore! Ughh!! It's like nothing has really been going on lately so nothing to update on....
However, I do get to get my hair done on Thursday and then on Saturday I am going to Cathleen's birthday party which is a 20's theme so that should be fun.
I am really excited to be off the coumadin because the headaches have stopped, but my joints and muscles ache all the time now....it sucks really bad! I am on Asprin every day, but I guess the APS is just acting up and there isn't much I can do about it :((
Oh well!
TTYL

First Meeting

Today/tonight went a little crazy, but let me tell you, it was fun! Tonight was supposed to be the first night all the members of the Face2Face Fresno/Clovis (and surrounding areas) got together at the Cheesecake Factory. Last night I had counted 10 ladies that were going to come, so I made 12 (just in case) red velvet cake cheesecake pops and wrapped them up all cute as favors for tonight! Earlier in the day today Melanie and I did lots of planning and working on decor for Cambria's big first b-day! It was so fun and I loved spending the entire day with the two of them :)) Throughout the day I got a few cancellations some due to sickness and some due to weather, but I still counted 5 ladies so I figured that was still a decent sized group. We went upstairs around 4:30 to get all dolled up which was fun actually getting ready for a change! On the way there, I realized that wearing open toed wedges was probably not the best idea so we stopped at my house and I put boots on. While driving to the Cheesecake Factory I received another cancellation! That left us with 4 ladies! Then, I realized I left all the cake pops in the fridge!! GRR!!!! We sat at a table that seated 4 and waited a while, drooling over the delicious bread we couldn't eat (Mel is gluten-intolerant and I can't have carbs due to APS hahahaa). Mel couldn't resist it's deliciousness and had to have literally a pinch hahaha!!! When no one else showed up, we decided we would just go ahead and order. Two amazing salads were on our menu's tonight! So good!! We noticed this lady that walked in alone and was waiting in the corner. We watched and continued to eat our salads. Finally we decided to have our waitress go over and ask her if she was there to meet us, and she was!! Sandy sat with us and came all the way from Visalia to join us and I am SOO glad she did...what an amazing woman. I cannot wait to have more meetings! Just having someone who understands what a loss of this magnitude feels like is just so comforting and the fact that you can sit and laugh about some of the same experiences is just absolutely fabulous. I think the next meeting I have will be just a potluck type thing in my home where we can just sit and relax, but I want to talk to the ladies and see what they think. If anyone has suggestions for group meetings such as this, comment below! Thanks! xoxox

Good News

Went to the Doc on Monday and found out that my blood clot is completely resolved!! Such wonderful news!! I am off of the nasty stupid Coumadin and onto a baby asprin regimen! I am so excited!! I really don't have much more to say right now but yeah!! ttyl!

Event Blog

Hello everyone!

This entry is gonna be a bit different than what you are usually used to my blogging about because I wanted to talk about a few awesome things that are going on that YOU can participate in!

Okay so first things first,

Next Friday, Feb. 25th at 6:30pm is the first Face2Face Fresno/Clovis area dinner meeting! It is at Cheesecake Factory! Anyone in the Central Valley who has suffered any kind of pregnancy or infant loss is welcome to join! This meeting only, you may bring one friend or family member (who has/hasn't suffered a loss) to join us for the dinner if you would like! You MUST RSVP!! Here's the link to the group: http://www.facebook.com/pages/Face2Face-FresnoClovis-Area/103055686438461

Then,

I want to let all of you know that the 7th Annual Angel Babies "Walk to Remember" walk/run will be May 7th at Woodward Park! All of the details are on the Angel Babies website and you can register there if you are interested! Walk for Hayden James Pfeifer, or for someone else, or just because you want to support the Angel Babies! Here is the link: http://angelbabies.dojiggy.com/

Next,

I am like kickin' booty and crankin' out the articles now that I am the Makeup Examiner for Fresno!! All comments, page views, and subscriptions boost my stats which will give me more exposure :)) Your support is MUCH appreciated!! Here's the link for that: http://www.examiner.com/makeup-in-fresno/kaila-pfeifer

Also,

I opened a twitter account where I am going to be posting daily makeup and beauty tips (short, sweet, and to the point) along with daily deals that I find like discounts on makeup, sales, and designer clothes. My twitter account is: inmybeautybag Follow me!!

Lastly,

This is the most incredible site ever!!! Register to get access to 50-75% off designer merch that is IN SEASON!! Juicy, Fendi, Coach, Rock and Republic and MORE!! Sign up here is my personal invite for you! it's FREE!! http://www.hautelook.com/invite/KPfeifer465

So anyway...there's my little schpeel :)) ta-ta xoxox

BIG update!

Okay, so besides my selfish rant I went on recently (sorry about that) I haven't updated anyone on the latest 'haps' so here ya go:

Health Update:
Saturday night, I went into the ER because I had been having some major pain and tightness in my chest, pain in my jaw, and in my arms. When I looked all of this up online, everything pointed to a Heart Attack. That made everything worse especially since Jeff was working and my mom was out of town. I drove myself to the ER at about 7:30ish. They got me right in because of my history of the DVT and the fact I am on Coumadin. They checked my vitals and did some blood work and chest x-rays. Then they had me sit out in the waiting room for about an hour--obviously nothing serious was being found. They then admitted me to a room where I lay there for TWO hours without anyone even checking my vitals, hooking me up to anything, nothin...I just, lay there. LOL finally I got up and asked one of the other nurses walking around who my nurse was and let her know no one had come to check me out yet. (Believe me, they were VERYYY busy, but if I was fine enough to go home, I would have gladly just left and gotten out of their way!) She went to get my nurse and about 45min later my nurse came in and checked my vitals. My head was hurting and she gave me tylenol. Obviously, my case was not a concern for anyone. No EKG, no nothin. So, I sat and waited for the Dr. to come in. He told me it was probably muscle spasms and sent me on my way. Mind you, this was at 4:30am. LOL. I drove myself home and TRIED to go to bed. It didn't work.

Luckily, my friend Nicole brought me a heating pad and some muscle relaxers over that morning which helped me to rest. I was sore all over. I began thinking it was anxiety attacks. I had my weekly blood test Monday morning so I just waited until then to talk to my doctor.

When I got to my Dr. appt the next morning, I explained to her everything that went on. She suspected anxiety as well and is having me take some herbal supplements to see if they help. She also gave me my referral to get an ultrasound on my leg done to check if the blood clot is gone. Dr. Morlan said that if the clot is gone, I can get off the coumadin and switch to baby asprin which means we can start trying to conceive...but we talked and think we will probably wait a while to start trying again. Who knows, we go back and forth all the time on that. The main reason I want to be off the coumadin is because my hair is starting to fall out and it's driving me nuts!! All my blood tests came back 'not as severe as what she thought' so that is good. I was able to make my ultrasound appt that same day so I got that done. The UT said my vein was compressing nicely and the blood flow was perfect so that is good too! **cross your fingers for no more coumadin!!**

I also got a phone call from the hemotologist yesterday to schedule my appt with him. That is set for March 10th. So man alive....hopefully all of this is gonna be taken care of soon!

Other Updates:
Putting all other news aside, I am so excited because I applied to do some freelance writing for a website called Examiner.com and got the gig! It's pretty low paying, but it's fun and it's just for extra money. Plus the exposure, practice, and the fact I can put it on my resume is great! Subscribe to my articles here: http://www.examiner.com/makeup-in-fresno/kaila-pfeifer
When I went to grab that link, I noticed one of my articles was featured on the front page!!! WOO HOO!! That was awesome!!

Next, Jeff and I booked our tickets for Maui! We are so excited!!! Maui is just the most wonderful, beautiful experience you could ever imagine...we are just so happy there :)

Ummm....Also, today I am getting an hour long massage at 3:30pm :)) My father-in-law got it for me for Christmas and I just have been a little, ummm, preoccupied and haven't used it yet haha ;)

I think that's all that's going on with me right now, so until somethin' else goes on, ta-ta!
<3

Need to VENT

If you get offended by this, I literally don't care. It's my blog and I have every right to feel as I do. Thanks :)

If one more person complains about how they "can't wait for the baby to be here because..." or are "sick and tired of how their babies are doing blah blah blah because..."
1. They are tired of being pregnant
2. They can't sleep
3. They want to party
4. They are getting 'fat'
5. Their baby is 'keeping them up' or crying 'too much'
6. some other IDIOTIC reason...

I am going to literally scream. HOW SELFISH can you be?!?!? I would give ANYTHING to be pregnant with my baby and have him here with me screaming and crying and here for me to hold....As his due date approaches and I have to walk past his bedroom everyday knowing he will never play with the toys or sleep in the crib that are for him, I want to rip my hair out everytime one of 8 people I know who are pregnant or have had their babies complains. I am boycotting all of these girls and if I read it on their facebooks one more time that they just are freakin' unhappy, I have no desire to speak/be friends on Facebook anymore. STOP TAKING YOUR PREGNANCY and YOUR BABY'S LIFE FOR GRANTED.

Praise God!!

Glory to God in the Highest!! He is doing such great things for me!!

Today I had my doctors appointment for my weekly blood check-up. My INR, which has been ridiculously HIGH (meaning my blood was basically TOOOOO thin) and up in the 6's and 7's was down to a 3.5!! That is great!! They want it between a 2 and a 3, but that was really close!! Much closer than we have been!

Also, my bloodwork still hadn't come back yet from last week, but the doc wasn't surprised because it was a very extensive blood test. So we need to just pray for that, that nothing more was found...BECAUSE GUESS WHAT!

Starting next week, I will probably be off the Coumadin!!!!!! I will start a baby asprin regimen and they will check to see what is going on with my blood clot in my leg in 4 weeks!! Last week, Dr. Dave and Dr. Morlan (thats my PCP) talked and Dr. Dave said that he was very confident in taking over for my next pregnancy and that he is confident that I will have successful pregnancy! When we do get pregnant again, he will refer me to a perinatologist (not to be confused with palaeontologist lol!) whom I will see along side Dr. Dave to ensure the pregnancy is monitored very closely! IT GETS BETTER! Dr. Dave also said that when I am off the Coumadin, we can start trying as soon as my healing "down there" is over!!!!!!!! YIPPPIIEEEE!!! I am trying not to get tooo excited in case things change, but I can't contain myself! I am so excited!!!

Praise God! Good things are happening in my life right now!!! I know holding onto God is the only way I will make it through this crazy thing I call my life :))

It's really hard

I don't know if anyone else knows how I feel, but it is just becoming more and more difficult for me to be happy for my friends who are having babies....I have 8 friends who are expecting right now, and as much as I am DYING to see them/hear about their pregnancies and see the pictures, I just absolutely cannot. I try and force myself to because I know I won't be able to feel this way forever, and I can't....I get short of breath, my heart starts pounding and I have to swallow so hard to keep the tears from flowing. In the doctors office the other day, two women came in with baby carriers and as they both tended to their baby's coo's, they conversed about 'how old the babies were' and 'how much they are enjoying motherhood'...It took everything I had to not start bawling....It's so not fair because my son should be due next month...I should be on my 8th month of pregnancy, putting away everything I got from the baby shower. My son should be older than my 8 other friends...instead, I just hold his picture in my palm... Today my mom, little brother and I took flowers over to the cemetery where there still is only a stake in the ground, his name stamped on it like just another piece of paperwork. The flowers Jeff and I took over were removed. I wondered why his temporary headstone hadn't been put in and why they had removed my flowers. The clean up wasn't set until March 31. I went into the office at the cemetery to ask the ladies about these two questions. When I asked one lady when the temporary headstone would be placed, an older lady in a VERY rude tone stated "They are placed a month from burial." and when I asked what had happened to my flowers she stated again, like I was wasting her time that I, "should have not put the flowers in a basket. Baskets are NOT allowed. If you want flowers there just lay them on the ground. Otherwise they will be removed." I just turned and walked out the door. I bawled my head off. What a mean person. Completely insensitive to someone. If you work at a cemetery, you should be as nice as possible. People are there grieving their loved ones. I'm sure if it were her child or grandchild, her tone would be COMPLETELY different.

Randomness....

**Warning. First Paragraph is Gross. Thanks. :)**

Well, I thought the bleeding was over....But nooooooooOOOOOoooo. Now, I'm onto my period. SHEESH! And let me tell you. I have never been jealous of someone who gets to wear tampons until I had to use pads while on my period...it's seriously almost as bad as after I had Hayden!! Ughh...Sorry, you guys totally don't wanna know all that...

On another note,

My mom and I made A.D.O.R.A.B.L.E. shirts for the superbowl :)) I will post pics when we have them on :) I finally broke down and bought a pair of $14.99 jeans. I told myself that I wasn't going to buy ANY jeans until I was back down to my original size, but seriously, I am sick of wearing sweats EVERY day. So I bought one pair. They are Paper Denim...HAHAHAHA. I cannot believe you can get paper denim jeans for $14 bucks now! HILARIOUS. That's what I get for paying $200 for them five years ago. High school kids are so materialistic! Well, I was at least...lol...

I feel really accomplished today because my math final is done, and I got my geology capstone (like a checkpoint paper) done....Now all I have to finish is my powerpoint for geology and I am done with those classes. All I have left is one class which I start Monday and it is going to be E.A.S.Y...It's Diversity in the Classroom. It's easy because it interests me. Kind of like geology and English. I had never been interested in geology until I took this class...It really is cool! Wow, I'm a nerd. Speaking of nerds, this book I am currently reading is FABULOUS... My friend Shae's mom, Cathy, sent it to me after Hayden's funeral. It was such a pleasant surprise. It is called, "The Boy Who Came Back From Heaven". It is amazing, really, it is and it's a true story. It is about a little boy who is 6 years old who got into a fatal car accident with his dad. His head was basically severed from his head and he was surviving based off of life support. He went to heaven and could remember scenes from the accident and things that were going on in the hospital room even though he wasn't concious or even alive at the time. He spent 2 months in a coma and then survived! When he came back he had such an amazing story to share about being in heaven! If you have the opportunity to read it, you really should...

Anyways, I am just so bored today. I am trying to come up with tasty menus for the next few weeks that are low carb and low sugar...this is how I have to eat for the rest of my life, which I am finding can be very tasty...just no fun foods which are my favorite like breads, potatoes, chips, lol.

Let me know if you have any good low carb low sugar recipes :))

xoxo

Things Discovered and Explained

Ok, rather than being upset and PISSED (like I was earlier, I must admit), by the grace of God, the doctors have found the condition I have and will begin to treat me immediately. This condition is also likely why Hayden's life ended the way it did. I have an autoimmune disorder called Antiphospholipid syndrome, or APS.

Feel free to look it up on web MD for further information because I don't feel like explaining it all haha. Basically in a very small nut shell, it is a blood disorder which is genetic (a genetic disease) in which the immune system attacks the cell membranes of the blood and causes blood clots (hence, the DVT). Stillbirth, Miscarriage, and Severe Preclampsia are all very common in those who have APS.

As much as some may think I would be depressed, frightened, or mad that this 'wasn't caught sooner' or that 'it's just one thing after another with my health', trust me all that went through my head, but I cannot help but just be happy that God allowed the doctors to find this at all. Can you imagine if it went undetected and I ended up having another stillbirth?? Or even dying from this disease?? Now that we know, the doctors can help me to live with this disease and even to have a healthy baby while living with the disease and THAT is something to be thankful for.

Today they did more blood tests (10 vials of blood!!) and will probably end up taking me off of the coumidin starting next week. My dose has already been lowered. If we are very lucky and the numbers from the blood tests lower enough over the next 10 weeks, we may be lucky enough to start trying for our little miracle baby. Pray Pray Pray for us :) xoxox

Just Stuff

As of yesterday, you can look at this three ways:
1) I should have been 32 weeks and 6 days prego and having my baby shower and I wasn't -OR-
2) I should have a three week old baby and I don't -OR-
3) It marked three weeks since my baby went to heaven and it sucks.

Either way you look at it, it's not good :( I miss my little man so much. I just wish I would have held him every second of the day after he was born. I am very proud of myself that I did build up the courage to hold him, however, now I crave more and can't help but have a little bit of regret in the fact that I didn't take advantage of the time I could have spent with him.

Mommy loves you so much Hayden.

I wanted to go visit him today, but it is pouring. Maybe this week he will give mommy and daddy a bit of sunlight and we can go sit with him for a while. Last night, Jeff and I went to a couple of our favorite hang outs and just made an evening of it together laughing and dancing. It was super fun and much needed, but I am definitely being punished for over indulging. It honestly didn't hit me until I was in the bathroom having a hell of a time (not.) and God literally spoke to me. He told me that drinking alcohol is not a sin, however, over indulging (in anything) is sin. He also told me that He has big plans for me and I need to keep my body healthy. I then understood why it was that I was having the first HORRIBLE hangover I have ever had. Because things in my life have changed, spiritually and physically after having given birth to Hayden; an angel. A lot of things in life change when you give birth to an angel, let me tell you. And I haven't even discovered what half of the things are yet.

-On another note-

I go to the Doctor tomorrow for my weekly INR test. Also, Dr. Dave basically wants me to 'get on their ass' about referring me to a hematologist. He told me not to wait til March, and to just get on them about it, even if I have to call every day, because the answers my primary care doctor is giving me are not valid answers. The thing I love about Dr. Dave is that if he doesn't know something, he isn't going to sit there and give you a bull shit answer just to get you out the door. He just tells you, "Seriously, I don't know, but I will send you to someone who does." It's awesome when people are man enough just to admit they don't know everything. Anyway, I am interested to know what the hematologist says about how long I will have to be on these medications and when Jeff and I can start trying again after I stop taking it. Because my primary care doc said I would be on it for 6 months and then we could try right away, Doctor Dave has no clue, but doesn't know if thats right, and I have yet to see the hematologist. So hopefully someday I will get some answers. **sigh**

Anyways, gotta get ready to go to dinner at Cattleman's with Kay Kay and Martin tonight!

Ta-Ta for now
xoxo

Absolutely Perfect

Well, Yesterday we went to the doctor to find out that there was absolutely nothing wrong with him when they did the autopsy. Nothing. He was absolutely perfect and it was just a 'fluke'. How can you tell me that my big healthy baby boy just died for no reason??? It is so frustrating. We also found out that it will likely be longer than 6 months before we can try again for another baby. But I have to wait to hear from the hematologist for sure, he may say sooner or later. **sigh**
I really don't feel like writing at all....I just wanted to update everyone on the autopsy results. It's so frustrating but the good thing is, at least there is not something genetic that we need to worry about trying again.

Spiritual Experience

It is honestly just crazy to me how things just 'fall into place'. Geez, Kaila, c'mon, things don't fall into place! God has already set them in place, it's just we as humans are too dumb to notice it until it hits us in the nose!

Tonight, I had the awesome priveledge to go to Pastor Debbie's house (Pastor Don's wife; who did my wedding and Hayden's funeral) and experience such an indescribable experience. Nana, my grandma, is very close with her and Pastor Debbie had been telling her that she wanted me to come to her house for a while. Upon walking up to her adorable little house, I felt nervous, honestly, about what exactly was going to take place there. I had seen Pastor Debbie speak at a women's retreat a few years back and I know how strong of a woman she is and how strong her relationship with God is. When we walked in, I just felt so welcome. Her home was so cozy and extremely cute. There were only a few lamps on in the home and candles were lit everywhere. She offered us coffee and told us just to come sit at her dining room table. We sat and sipped coffee and joked for a while.

Pastor Debbie then said, "Well, I have been praying about this so much but I honestly don't really know why it is that God brought you here! So, let's just go with it and see where he takes us tonight." (right then I knew exactly why...see later on in the story hehe)

She then asked me to tell my story, about Hayden. I have told this story a million times and it has become so easy, but this time, it was hard again. I cried a bit, but got the story out. By the time I was finished, I had no tears anymore. Like I have said, I feel always feel this odd sense of peace. She went on to ask me if I had any feelings of guilt or negativity, or if my pregnancy had originally been a "wanted" pregnancy or anything like that. I had to be honest. I had no feelings like this at all. I have felt very at peace and happy through this whole thing. Of course I am sad that my baby is not here, but the sense of comfort I feel when I think about where he is just makes me so happy that it over powers the sadness. As for if we had wanted the pregnancy at the beginning or not, we were beyond excited when we found out! We were nervous to tell the family obviously because this was not a planned pregnancy and we weren't married, but our family was excited just like we were and Hayden was/is our pride and joy.

After discussing this for a while, I went on to tell her about my Face2Face group and how much it means to me and how excited I am to create this save haven for women just like me to come together and just understand each other and be together. Pastor Debbie then said that she knew why I had come. It was because I was to be trained by her in how to minister about my experience and share my story with others. She felt very strongly about my happiness and optimism and how much I could help other women using this tool. She told me that she believed that God put me in place with the Face2Face group to lead me down a path to what I am supposed to be doing for God and for other women that have had experiences like mine. (I KNEW IT!)

Now, I am not one to be all preachy, but I sure as heck know that God is real and I do believe in the power and greatness He has in our lives. I definitely don't live a 'perfect' life by any means, but I do believe that God is going to be doing great things in my life through the experience I have had.

After talking at her table for a while longer, Pastor Debbie took Nana and I up to her prayer room which is set up beautifully. She had us sit at the table and she anointed me and prayed over me to prepare me for this new journey God is going to be taking me on. The experience was incredible. As she prayed over Jeff and I, I just had a vision of he and I sitting on our bed, holding hands and praying together. It was so awesome because that is not something that Jeff and I do, but it is something that I have been longing for us to do.

After she prayed and anointed me, she also prayed for and anointed Nana. This was so wonderful because Nana is always worried about all of us, all of our family. It was wonderful for me to witness someone else praying over her. Pastor Debbie prayed a sense of peace and comfort over her, a sense of freshness in the spirit, and for Moms' Alzheimer's to be stopped. Nana really needed this and it was great to see her afterwords; just looking so refreshed and relieved.

I can't wait to begin this new journey, and more so I can't wait to share my experience with Jeff. I want him to know how good this feels :)

Health Update: Regarding DVT

So, went in for my new 'weekly event': INR testing for my blood.
To get you up to speed on what this is, I have provided a definition on why I need to get these tests done weekly:
"The International Normalized Ratio, or (INR), is used to monitor the effectiveness of blood thinning drugs such as warfarin (Coumadin) which are the meds that I take daily. These drugs help inhibit the formation of blood clots. They are prescribed on a long-term basis to patients who have experienced recurrent inappropriate blood clotting. This includes those who have had heart attacks, strokes, and deep vein thrombosis (DVT, which is what I had). The anti-coagulant drugs must be carefully monitored to maintain a balance between preventing clots and causing excessive bleeding."

Okay, so anyway, last week when I had my first INR test which is a simple finger prick, my number was 3.1 For people who are on coumadin, they want your levels to be between 2 and 3, 'normal' people, the level should be like 1.5 or something. So, they lowered my dosage of meds after last week. This week, my INR reading was 7.4!!!!!!!!!!!! WAY WAY too thin!!!! My finger was actually squirting blood and bled for several minutes!! So, they lowered my dosage again. And I will have another test done next Monday.

We also found out that I will be on this medication for at least 6 months. During that time it is very important that I DO NOT get pregnant until after that 6 months. Man. That hurt today. But I just keep telling myself I need to get completely healthy and well before trying again. Plus, we figured we would start 'trying' between March and June anyway....so July isn't too far off. We also found out that I would be seeing a hematologist in March to see if the clot has been absorbed by my body yet and to get some more blood work ups done. Ew, but I guess I gotta do what I gotta do. I did, however, get the OK to start exercising some. So today I went for a walk :) It felt good. It was a short walk, about a mile, but still for not doing ANY form of exercise in a while it felt really good.

Side Note not health related: I finally stopped bleeding :) I know, I know, TMI, but I want to mark this down so I know how long to expect that crap to last after the next baby! Geez, a two week period is crappy! LOL. Also, we went and gave the memorial place a copy of Hayden's picture and his foot prints and paid the deposit for his headstone. It should take about 2 months for everything to be completely done :) I am excited, it is going to be beautiful.

Well, Thursday we see Dr. Dave. I am anxious to know if they found anything during the autopsy. I am also anxious to know if after all these issues I have had if he will be my doctor for the next pregnancy or if I will have to see a high-risk doctor only next time =/

I will update you all Thursday :)

In my Dreams

Last night, my little boy visited me in my dreams, and while it may not make sense to anyone else, I can't even talk about it without crying because of how real it was.

I remember going to the funeral home to pick up Hayden's body for some reason. As I walked up to the door, I saw a car seat with a beautiful baby boy dressed adorably and all bundled up. I thought 'That's my baby....That's Hayden'. I walked over to the car seat and looked down at the beautiful baby. He was perfect, as perfect as I remembered him. And he was breathing. He was alive! I took him out of his car seat and held him for so long. He cooed and smiled at me. We ended up at my great-grandparents house where the whole family got to see him. I took him into the back living room away from everyone where I breast-fed him (and my boob was sore this morning when I woke up) and changed his diaper. I put a new outfit on him and he went back to sleep, back to heaven.

Even though my day with my Hayden was just in a dream is was so extremely real to me and I will treasure the fact that he came to visit me and that God allowed me to have such a vivid experience. I think this means I am going to have a good day today :)

May have found my calling??

So, since all of this happened and I left the hospital, every day I searched for organizations that help moms like me, or online support groups, or just forums where I could talk to other moms that know how I feel. I came across one called Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope. On this site, women who have experienced loss through miscarriage, still birth, or infant loss come together and post a photo of their face along with their story. I read a few stories which were so similar to mine that it made me cry, and then browsed the site a little. There was a link to their organization called I am the Face. I loved it. There, were just the faces of all these women who have experienced these pregnancy and infant losses, just as I have. There were so many; thousands. I visited this site every day for a few days and posted their logo as my profile picture on Facebook. This morning I was looking at the site again and came across the fact that they are looking for group leaders for support groups in cities everywhere! I scrolled through the California list and saw that there was not a group yet formed in the Fresno or Clovis area! A light bulb went on. Without even thinking about the time or energy that would need to go into a group like this, I applied to start heading the Fresno and Clovis area Face2Face Friendship and Support group. And guess what, about 3 hours ago, I got an e-mail back with the packet of paperwork to start! I am so excited!!! The first meeting will be Friday, Feb 25. Location is currently TBA until I figure out who will be coming. I am just so, so incredibly excited. I am going to make up flyers and pass them out at my doctor's office and at the hospital. If you or anyone you know has experienced a loss at anytime in her life, even if it was 20 years ago, you/they are welcome to join us :) I am also going to get a group together to walk the Angel Babies "Walk to Remember" in honor of Hayden on May 7th. I will keep everyone posted about that :)

Here is the Facebook page: http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?cropsuccess&id=100000578230725#!/pages/Face2Face-FresnoClovis/103055686438461

Great Poem for Grieving Dads

I found this poem on babycenter in one of my grief groups. Great to help remember that daddy's are suffering too. Jeff has been so strong for me. Waking up with me in the middle of the night when I am crying my eyes out, he just supports me when I am snappy and short on my bad days and he laughs with me and hugs and kisses me during all the times in between. I feel so lucky to have him in my life. But anyway, here is the poem:

It must be very difficult
To be a man in grief,
Since "men don't cry"
and "men are strong"
No tears can bring relief.

It must be very difficult
To stand up to the test,
And field the calls and visitors
So she can get some rest.

They always ask if she's all right
And what she's going through.
But seldom take his hand and ask,
"My friend, but how are you?"

He hears her crying in the night
And thinks his heart will break.
He dries her tears and comforts her,
But "stays strong" for her sake.

It must be very difficult
To start each day anew.
And try to be so very brave-
He lost his baby too.

Thinking

I just keep thinking about the last time I remember feeling Hayden move. It was Sunday, January 1st and I had been worried all weekend that something wasn't right because he wasn't moving very much. I woke up that morning and just lay in bed waiting for him to move. Finally he kicked me so incredibly hard! I was just so happy because I was so worried for my baby and he gave me such a big kick like he was telling me not to worry about him. Little did I know the following weekend I would have to say goodbye. I just want to hold him. I want to kiss him. I hate that I didn't have any inclination that he was suffering or that his heart wasn't beating strong enough or whatever it was that caused him to not make it. He was just so beautiful and big. Such a big boy and so healthy. How can a baby's heart who is so healthy just stop beating?

I am thinking about how petrified I am going to be during my next pregnancy. They told me throughout my pregnancy with Hayden that everything was perfect, so telling me that next time isn't going to help anything. I will never believe it until the baby is in my arms and I get to take them home. I just want the baby I had to bury. I shouldn't have to worry about anything, I was supposed to already be a mommy. Trying for another baby shouldn't be something scary. Trying for a second baby should have not been for a couple years and I should be talking to Hayden and getting him excited to have a younger brother or sister. It's just so not fair. With today's technology and all the science we have baby's shouldn't just die for no reason. There is a reason. There has to be a reason. It must be like the quote says, they are "too beautiful for earth".

Peace

"An Angel in the book of life wrote down my baby's birth.

And whispered as she closed the book, "Too beautiful for earth."

~Author Unknown~

I found this quote and absolutely fell in love. So perfect. I am going to have it engraved on his headstone.
You know, after the beautiful service yesterday, I just feel so at peace. Honestly, I really didn't cry as much as I thought I would and I think that has to do with the fact that Hayden was holding my hand the entire time and wiping my tears away. I just know that he is so happy where he is and I feel so lucky that I got to be his mother and the one who carried him all those months.
The balloon release was just absolutely breath-taking. It was just such an overwhelming sense of, I don't know what other word to use but peace. Really, that's all I can say about it. I love my son so much and miss him soooo incredibly much, but I am so happy for him that he gets to be in heaven dancing in the clouds while he waits for me.

Today

In the past I used to write poems when I was in times of "sadness". Little did I know, I had not known sadness until I lost my child. And during this time, ironic but, I could not write. Finally I developed the courage to write for him on the day of his funeral, Today, January 18th 2011 at 1:00pm.

Today

Today I say goodbye,
to my baby, oh so small,
Today I have to realize,
I will never see him crawl

Or walk or talk or sing,
Or ever touch the sand,
I never get to read him books,
Or even hold his hand

Instead I place gold flowers,
Where his perfect body lay,
Why does this have to happen,
Why Lord, Why today?

I know my baby angel,
Will always be with me,
And there will one day be a time,
When it's his face I finally see

The Lord will show me one day,
Why Hayden is not near,
The problem is today,
I still wonder why he's not here

Help mommy be strong today,
I miss you so, so much,
Stay close to mommy's heart,
And let me feel your touch

Today I blow my kisses,
And send all of Mommy's love,
To my sweet angel baby,
Who will forever live above

~Kaila Pfeifer~

What Next

Honestly. What is going to happen next?? I am trying so hard to be positive, but every time I start to get through one thing, another begins. I lost my child. I developed a dangerous blood clot. And now am having excruciating kidney pain. And my doctor can't see me for another hour. Also, I can't stop peeing. It's ridiculous. As soon as my leg felt better, this starts. It is really hard to begin the grieving process over my son when all of these distractions and problems are in my midst. Some may think "just be happy you are alive". Being alive may sound great for some, but my child is in heaven and all I am going through right now is agony physically so dancing in the clouds with my baby sounds much better than 'being alive'. Now, now, no one run off and start saying I'm suicidal. It is just so frustrating going through this right now. I cannot wait until I can just take a breath of fresh air and my body is just completely healed of everything. But for now, I get to sit in a stuffy doctors office and be in pain. Plus, I will have to have MORE blood work done to make sure this DVT business is under control. Man, once this is all over, I think we have earned it to have a WONDERFUL life. I hate to be whiny, but again, it's my blog and that's exactly what it's here for.

Jealousy

It is so hard not to be just absolutely achingly jealous every time I see a woman walking around pregnant...or see someone's ultrasound pictures pop up on facebook. I am so happy for all my friends who are going to be welcoming their little bundles, but I can't help the empty hunger that hits my heart so hard every time I see the little bellies or hear a baby cry. I can't help but think about how that should be me...My baby should be here in 8 weeks....but he has already come and gone.

I have such a yearning and want to be a mommy. I want to have a baby so badly and I am so afraid that I will be scared out of my mind my whole next pregnancy. I mean, I was told the whole time that every thing was perfect this time around, who's to say it won't happen again?? Or perhaps pregnancy won't happen again for me... God only knows. I just hope that I can one day experience that joy I once had when Hayden would jump around inside me, poking me with his heels as Jeff and I would laugh at the alien-like appearance my tummy would have. I am trying so hard not to be jealous... and though my heart hurts so badly everytime pregnancy is mentioned, I really am happy for everyone else...really, I am.

Dear God,
Please just protect me from this web of jealousy I am caught up in. I can't help but be full of it when I see everyone with these babies while I never got to experience mine. I know you have a plan for me and I put all of my trust in you Lord. Please make my heart happy again. Please help my heart find that joy I once had. I long so much for a baby to feel my womb and I am willing to wait for you to bless me with that in your timing if that is in your plan for me. If it is not, please help me to understand that. Thank you for all you have blessed me with and thank you for blessing me with such a patient and understanding husband. He has been by my side this whole process and has been my rock without a single complaint.
In Jesus' Name,
Amen

DVT

Definition: Deep venous thrombosis is a condition in which a blood clot forms in a vein that is deep inside the body.
Causes: Childbirth and bed rest. AKA both these activities I participated in this weekend. (there are more causes but that is what caused mine.
Treatment: Leg elevated, off feet, injections twice daily of Lovenox and taking Coumodin once daily. Will know more Monday after I visit the doctor.


Honestly, what more could go wrong in my life. Last night as we wait in the hospital room much longer than necessary, I looked over to Jeff and asked him "What next?" He looked at me, just as worn down as I am and said so matter of fact, "This should be about it." I couldn't help but laugh because it was just so true that seriously, if this isn't the last bad thing that happens too us, I don't know what on earth else could happen. It just seems as though it's one thing after another...

Alright, now that I have been able to vent my negative feelings I want to try and think positively. The only way I can do so is through the grace of God. I am not trying to be all "Holyer than Now" or anything, but I know that only God can take charge of a situation such as this.


Please God, let this be it for the negatives, we are so ready to try and start the healing process. My baby boy is with you, and I don't want him looking down on me in pain. Thank you for keeping Jeff so strong. What an incredible husband I have. You sent me a soldier and I am forever grateful that I have him to lean on during this time. Thank you for my mother and all of my family, Lord. The strength you have given to my mom and the rest of my family is beyond incredible and I feel so honored to be apart of their family. You have truly blessed us with the presence of each other, supporting each other through this time. And thank you so much for the strength you have given to me. I didn't think I would be able to get out of bed, but you pick me up everyday and put me on my feet. Even if I physically can only walk to the bathroom and back, I know there are others who are worse off than I am. I just thank you for the things going good in my life, the togetherness you have given our family and friends, even if it was losing baby Hayden that brought us all closer, I am glad that it has brought us something great. Please Lord, just walk with me and heal my leg so I can better do the tasks you ask of me. I don't want to be going through this Lord and I just need you to be here with me to help me through this. I know there are going to be a lot of tests and doctor visits ahead, and I just pray that you give wisdom to the doctors who are going to be assisting me through the healing if this condition. Another thing I want to pray for is if you wish to bring us future children, I hope you bring them to us in your timing and with pure peace and grace. I am going to trust you with what the future holds for us.
In Jesus' name,
Amen

Milk

***This may be too much information for some, but it's real, and it's my blog***


So I thought that since my baby was born at only 28 weeks gestation, maybe my milk wouldn't come in. Since Hayden and I were separated from each other, that maybe just maybe I wouldn't have to go through THIS part of postpartum. Or maybe I would be cut some slack and at least not have to go through this since I have had to go through so much already.

I thought wrong. Yesterday, the fourth day after giving birth, my boobs became engorged and now look like two huge squares literally in AT LEAST a double "D" size. The pain is absolutely unbearable. I have tried all the "tricks in the book" to relieve the pain; soaking them in warm water, taking ibuprofen, wearing a sports bra 24 hours a day, ice packs....EVERYTHING.

I just wish that Hayden was here to help me get through this. If he were here, there would be somewhere for this milk to go. If he were here, then I would feel the pain was all worth it. But he isn't here, and I sit at home waiting for my body to run it's natural course after giving birth with no baby in my arms to hold. Another thing I find hard to accept.

Jeff and I have decided that in June we will begin to try again for our second child. I almost feel out of place not being pregnant. I got so used to the lifestyle and the yearning to be a mommy that I don't think I even know how to NOT be pregnant or NOT be a mommy. It is just one of those things I suppose.

Strong Day

Today is a strong day for me. Last night, I slept through the night and did not wake up to break down as I have done the past four nights. I haven't shed a single tear today. I have cried so much that I just simply cannot cry anymore right now. This morning, right when I woke up, the tears which usually well up when I walk into the living room just simply weren't there. I actually made it into the shower today and did my hair and makeup for the first time in three days. I had told God that I was just going to give everything to him. I kept repeating it over and over that everything; my sorrows, my grief, my hurt, my anger, my pain, were all going to be given to him. I told him that I was just going to give up on being sad. And this is what I got in return: strong day. I love this day, because it is the first day I have been able to go out to lunch and go shopping. Not full on shopping, I just went to Target to get pads and ibuprophen, but it was a normal everyday duty nevertheless. I hope to continue to have strong days because it felt so good. I do know there will still be hard days, but when those days come, I will just simply tell God that again I am just going to hand everything to him in a nicely put together lunch bag and send it on it's way. I don't need it anymore; the sorrows, sadness and pain. It doesn't feel good. Why should I be sad that my baby boy is in the most amazing, special, holy, and beautiful place anyone could ever imagine?

One of the times you DONT want to be right.

This weekend I have experienced the worst incident anyone could possibly imagine: the loss of their child. I don't even know what to say about the whole thing except for how it's not fair. Why does everyone else get to go home with their babies and mine lies asleep forever?

After last weekend's scare with the slowed fetal movement, slow turned to stop and I just knew something wasn't right. I called Dr. Dave's office on Friday afternoon around 2:00pm and let them know what was happening. They told me to immediately go to the labor and delivery at the hospital for a stress test. My mom picked me up from work and we headed there. My mind told me everything would be fine; my heart knew otherwise. The second the placed the doppler to my stomach and there was no heartbeat, my entire sense of being disappeared. I just looked around the room for someone to please just help my baby but there was nothing anyone could do; he was gone. I delivered the most beautiful handsome baby boy on Saturday Jan. 8th 2011 at 2:55pm. I didn't want to see him. I was so afraid that if I saw him looking distressed or in pain that I would never be able to get that image out of my head. Later in the evening I was finally able to muster up the courage to see him. Oh my God he was perfect. Every single feature on his body was flawless and I just cannot understand why on earth he was taken from me. Why did I carry him without a single issue for this long, his heartbeat so strong and his kicks with enough power to fuel a professional soccer team, and he was still taken away from me. He was so beautiful. The nurses that took care of Jeff and I were so wonderful. Their names were Candy and Nancy and they had to most amazing hearts in the world.
I will never forget the moment we drove away from the hospital and I really realized he wasn't coming home with us. It was a moment of pure anger, confusion, despair, and about nine or ten other emotions.
Upon arriving at home, Jeff and I looked through the memory box the hospital created for us. It was absolutely incredible. The photo CD they provided was great, they included a tape measure with all of his measurements documented on it (head circumference, foot length, full body length etc), his outfit, blanket, and hospital tag, a few locks of hair, and foot prints. It honestly made me feel more at peace to go through the box.
Our family and friends have been beyond supportive and incredible. So many people have stepped up and offered to make meals, do chores, and just simply keep us company. It is such a wonderful thing to have so many loving people surrounding us. For now, we are going to take time to heal, which of course will be a process. I know we have a roller coaster of emotions racing ahead of us, but we have been so strong and supportive of each other I know we will be okay. I am having a necklace engraved with Hayden's footprints on it and Jeff is having a dog tag made. Just something nice to keep close to us.
The biggest thing I hate right now is hearing all the "it will be okay" and "you will have another healthy baby". I know people think this is what you want to hear but I honestly would love for someone to just fall to the floor and crumble with me. The last thing I am worried about is feeling the want to have another baby. Of course I want to try again in the future, but it's definitely not something I want to think about right now. I should be enjoying the baby I will never get to hold or kiss or love EVER again. How will I ever be able to get through another day without wondering what it would have been like 'had he be born'??? Can you tell me how I am supposed to explain to my future children how their first brother never made it here, despite the fact that he was perfect?? How are we supposed to listen to the radio with the chance that Hayden's song "Anything Like Me" by Brad Paisley might come on? Tell me please how I am supposed to go in his room and just put away all of his brand new clothes and toys he will never wear or play with or how I am ever going to be able to put a new baby in his crib he never slept in, knowing it was meant to be HAYDEN's bed??? TELL ME!!!!!! I am so angry. I look in the mirror at my body and my tummy is flat, not even so much as a single stretch mark or bump. No one would know I gave birth to the most beautiful angel just two days ago. All that's left of him are my memories. I will never see him smile, laugh, crawl, walk, talk, play, go to kindergarten, play sports, graduate, NOTHING. I want to know WHY. Being wheeled out of the labor and delivery room to go home without a baby in your arms is completely UNACCEPTABLE. Hearing the women in the rooms nearby crying tears of joy at the sound of their baby's heartbeats and breaths of life while mine lay there quiet is just something that is absolutely UNACCEPTABLE. Having to deliver your baby and go through postpartum without reaping the reward at the end is UNACCEPTABLE.

There are moments I feel 'happy'. But mostly, I am in absolute agony right now. I know I will get through this and I am being strong. But there are just things I will never be able to accept or be "okay" with.

"Kicking" off the New Year with a New Trimester!

No pun intended hehehe :) Well, yesterday we officially started the final chapter of the third trimester and boy did the second trimester come to an interesting hault! The last two days of the 2nd tri, Hayden decided he just was going to give mommy a friggin heart attack and not move...AT ALL! After consulting my dear friend Melanie and looking up everything I could find on the internet (also trying cold juice, hot showers, laying down quitely, all the tricks in the book), I decided to give him one more chance before I took his little booty to the emergency room! Right about that time he gave a swift kick telling me "Yo mom! Calm down will ya?? I'm just growin' here!" He has been a squirming ball of fun since then :) I feel so much better :) Our trip down to visit my dad, Lisa, and the boys was awesome. Michael is SOO excited to be an Uncle and doesn't ever take a break from talking about Hayden or asking questions :) It's adorable. I know Garth and Daniel are excited too! Lisa and Dad spoiled us and got our diaper bag full with adorable goodies inside including his first silver rattle, blankets, socks, etc!! It was so nice. Plus a gift card for me to go get my big prego but some clothes which I am in desperate need of. Aunt Nell, Uncle Ernie, Meg and Cleigh also spoiled us and bought us a $50 gift card to babies R us, some Addias socks, Under Armor socks and a super cuddly blanket :) This kid is loved already can you tell? Haha. We have our glucose screening Thursday at 7:30am and we have to do the 3 hour test. FUN. And then we see Dr. Dave next week. The count down is really starting to begin....and becoming very REAL very FAST! :)