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Friday, December 7, 2012

A Month

In one month, it will have been 2 years since we lost our precious baby boy. So much has changed in these past two years...I can't even believe it's been this long. The rollercoaster of grief has been something I would almost call an out of body experience; what I would call the new 'normal' for me anyway.

It seems like everything after Hayden just simply didn't matter. I know that sounds terrible but it's honestly how I felt for a long time. I became a person I truly don't understand and am now becoming someone I would much rather get to know. My heart felt ugly, dark, deceitful. I find myself now looking to God for everything, which is what I always known to do, and just haven't done it. Not because I thought it was pointless or was trying to be definent, but for a reason I honestly can't even understand myself. The good news is that I am no longer that person. I feel so thankful for the lessons I have learned and the emotions I have felt since having Hayden.

I have felt so guilty about "telling" Hayden he is going to be a big brother. I know, that sounds very strange. I promise I'm no psychotic, but I talk to my son, and I feel like if I tell him, he will feel replaced. ((I understand that he already knows lol)) That is why I haven't put it on this blog honestly. I really don't know how to write about the fact that we are expecting Hayden's little brother or sister on HIS blog. I guess it's because I have always written for him on here and I don't want him to feel like we have just moved on and forgotten.

I don't know, it's silly I guess. I plan to have a birthday party for Hayden again this year...maybe do a cookie decorating and balloon release or something... not sure yet. I just can't believe it has been almost two years. Absolutely crazy.

I just want him to know I still love him. He was and always will be my first born son, my little boy, and the first little boy who ever truly stole my heart.

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