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Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Getting Through "Baby Season"

Honestly. Everyone is either announcing pregnancy or just gave birth. It is probably the hardest thing in the world for me right now to sit here with a smile plastered on my face and act like I am not beyond envious. I know that my 'time will come' but holy crap. We have been trying for like 6 months and nothing but a miscarriage which I call a 'teaser' pregnancy. I have no one else to whine to, my husband is sick of hearing about it and no one else wants to hear me whine, so I'll just sit here and feel sorry for myself right here. My heart aches every single day for a baby. Yes, I am very excited for our new house, but at the same time, I want to be pregnant more than anything in the world. It seems as though everyone but me is getting to experience this wonderful thing that I got cheated out of. I am not angry at God, I am just angry. I want to be a mother and I am not understanding why I don't get to be. I just went and had a bunch of blood tests done and I am back to being healthy. The doctor said, "Now would be a good time to get pregnant because you are in really good health right now."....Well, tell that to whoever makes the decisions around here. I am just ready to carry a baby again and it's not fair that after all I have been through I have to just sit here and watch everyone else be happy. I hate sounding this selfish, but I have to get it out. I promise I will be a good mom. I go out and visit Hayden every day, cut the grass from around his headstone, clean it off, bring him fresh flowers- everything I can do for him to be a good mom. I will give a baby all of me, all of my love and focus. I just don't understand why I can't have my turn :((

Tuesday, September 6, 2011


Thinking about my son is not challenging. Missing and loving him unconditionally is not challenging. But finding the words to describe this and finding new things to blog about is extremely challenging. It seems as time passes, I tend to get distracted, definitely not forget about, from writing to Hayden and putting my feelings on paper. There is not a day that goes by that I don't think about what would have been or see a 4 month old baby and think, "Gee, had he made it to full term thats the age he would be". Or an 8 month old and think, "Wow, had he survived, thats the age he would be". It's just constant. I haven't been able to really voice it on here, but here I am today spilling my thoughts and guts again and it's good to be back.

The Face2Face group has been going really well. We went and got pedicures together last month and plan to get a little craft project/donation together this month. As we are building the house, knowing that Hayden's nursery will no longer be there is difficult, but we are excited about the memorial we will be putting in the back yard in honor of him. I think it is really important that he has his own space in our new home.

Anyway, I am really out of things to say for now. Funny how you can love someone so much that there are just no words. I think about you every day baby boy and miss you so much. xoxo <3