A Month

In one month, it will have been 2 years since we lost our precious baby boy. So much has changed in these past two years...I can't even believe it's been this long. The rollercoaster of grief has been something I would almost call an out of body experience; what I would call the new 'normal' for me anyway.

It seems like everything after Hayden just simply didn't matter. I know that sounds terrible but it's honestly how I felt for a long time. I became a person I truly don't understand and am now becoming someone I would much rather get to know. My heart felt ugly, dark, deceitful. I find myself now looking to God for everything, which is what I always known to do, and just haven't done it. Not because I thought it was pointless or was trying to be definent, but for a reason I honestly can't even understand myself. The good news is that I am no longer that person. I feel so thankful for the lessons I have learned and the emotions I have felt since having Hayden.

I have felt so guilty about "telling" Hayden he is going to be a big brother. I know, that sounds very strange. I promise I'm no psychotic, but I talk to my son, and I feel like if I tell him, he will feel replaced. ((I understand that he already knows lol)) That is why I haven't put it on this blog honestly. I really don't know how to write about the fact that we are expecting Hayden's little brother or sister on HIS blog. I guess it's because I have always written for him on here and I don't want him to feel like we have just moved on and forgotten.

I don't know, it's silly I guess. I plan to have a birthday party for Hayden again this year...maybe do a cookie decorating and balloon release or something... not sure yet. I just can't believe it has been almost two years. Absolutely crazy.

I just want him to know I still love him. He was and always will be my first born son, my little boy, and the first little boy who ever truly stole my heart.


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A Baby In His Row

It's so odd...the stages of grief. I have found that there are times that I truly forget that I am a mom. Just because of the hustle and bustle of every day life, other distractions. Never once do I completely forget my baby boy...

It's times like when I think about what Hayden would be doing at this time that I truly remember. He would be 19 months old right now...playing about running around scraping up his knees. He would be the most beautiful boy ever. My mom told me that there was recently another baby buried in Hayden's row. The row is almost full. The baby's name is Hayden too. It breaks my heart to think that just 19 months ago the dirt was fresh where Hayden was layed to rest.

I miss him all the time. ALL the time. But what is so weird is I feel okay most of the time. Some things people say get to me at times, but I know he is happy where he is, dancing in the clouds and watching over me.  My little angel. <3 br="br">

I Haven't Forgotten

While some may think while I haven't kept up on my blog that I have simply forgotten about my son when really, this is the farthest from the truth. As a matter of fact, the last few months I have thought of Hayden more than ever. In October we moved into a new home. What this means is, though Hayden's crib and furniture are set up in a bedroom in this new house, Hayden officially no longer as "his room". This was very difficult to deal with, as I couldn't bare the thought of putting away all of his clothes and stuffed animals. I kept them out, hoping that maybe I would become pregnant again and his sibling would be able to use his things. Obviously that has not happened and the longer the room remains empty, the more I give up each day on having another child. The pain of spending what should have been Hayden's first Christmas without him was easily drunk away, tears hidden behind multiple glasses of wine and eaten in hoards of food. Many of our family members made this time as special as it could be, but nothing could ease the pain for more than a temporary time. The one year anniversary of Hayden's passing came and went....family came over and spent time with us....it was a nice celebration. My emotions had become numb by now; I hadn't really felt much around the last few months and was surprised that I didn't cry through all of these events....not even once. The following months were full of birthdays and other celebrations....Still, no pregnancy and the amount of jealousy of others who were continuously announcing pregnancies was growing rapidly. As a matter of fact, I hadn't felt this until two friends (that I had assumed were close friends) both "hid" pregnancies from me--one I found about from another friend who assumed I knew already and the other I found out because of an obvious post on facebook. I am sure they 'only told a few people'...I had at least assumed I was close enough to each of them to be one of the first to know. Funny, as "strong" as people think I am, they still feel that hiding something such as this will be 'better' for me. I really wish people would stop trying to 'protect' me, and just tell me how it is. ESPECIALLY if we are supposedly "close". And when my one friend miscarried a couple weeks ago, of course I was there for her...I am good at that...and obviously wouldn't let someone go through that without being their for them, whether I am hurt or not...Anyway, the bottom line is, no, I haven't forgotten about Hayden. The shirts I had made for the Angel Babies walk this year were amazing. I was so proud sporting my sweet baby's feet on my shirt, making sure everyone knew I was his mommy. I may not 'do' as much as other angel baby mothers or parents, however, I absolutely have NOT forgotten. Every single thing I feel has a connection to Hayden and I think about him every day in every breath I take. The somber tone of this post I suppose just comes from a broken heart right now. Maybe even a jealous heart. A when is it going to be my turn heart. A why me heart. An it's not fair heart. An I miss Hayden heart.