This day should have gone differently

 I wasn't going to post this until tomorrow, but I know I won't be on here more than likely, so here it is a day early. Be sure to watch the video at the bottom.

This day should have gone much differently,
I shouldn't be alone,
I should be hearing you coo and cry,
and eager to bring you home.

Your tiny fingers should be wrapped around mine,
as I softly kiss your head,
But today I am going to visit your grave,
and place flowers there instead.

I miss you, Hayden, oh so much,
my heart aches every day,
especially when I see everyone else,
watching their children play.

I know that I will see you again,
and that you will recognize me,
I can't wait for that time but until then,
I will always be your mommy.

Though today didn't go as I had planned,
and hoped for it to be,
Now I have an angel,
always watching over me.

~Kaila Pfeifer~

Amazing Dream :)

My little boy paid me a visit again last night....It was so real and I was so depressed when I had to wake up!
Hayden was one years old and all he wanted was for me to hold him. He would just lay his head on my shoulder and sqeeeeeze! He also kept squeezing my hair. We sat down on the floor together and I started reading him a book. He was so chubby and cute with little bottom teeth :) When I started singing 'Head, shoulders, knees and toes' he started doing the little moves. Melanie was there and said 'I need to teach that song to sissy!' It was such a wonderful dream. I am so glad he came to visit me, it has been a while since I got to see him in my dreams :)) <3

Visiting my boy

Yesterday I went and visited my little boy and the cemetery had put his temporary headstone in place. This was all well and dandy, however, they spelled his name WRONG!! They put HEYDEN rather than HAYDEN. Really? How does that happen? Oh well, I got a call from Meachem Memorial and they are just about done with his permanent one any way.
I took some little spring and Easter decor over to him and placed a pinwheel with little chicks and an Easter egg on it, a little boy figurine that is sitting down and painting, some flowers, and some little Easter eggs on sticks. It looks nice and cheery now :)
Next week, I am going to go out and have my lunch with him, maybe just sit there on a blanket and read, IDK. I just love spending time there.
I miss him so much. It was so sad, a little girl was just buried there next to Hayden and his friend James recently...but at least he has some kids his age to play with :)
I am getting really excited for this weekend's pot luck for the Face2Face group! It should be fun! Another small group (expecting about 6) but enough for a great time :))
Our Maui trip is coming up soon and I have been going to Pilates 3 days a week to try and get into shape for that....yikes! I promise to work out throughout my ENTIRE next pregnancy! (unless I am forbidden to do so, of course) I have lost so much muscle tone and flexibility! It's crazy!
Anywho, I think that's all that's going on right now :)
TTYL xoxo

Not a good idea :((

I just went through and read some of my blogs from last June/July/August....during the times I had found out I was pregnant and planning the wedding and everything....I just miss how happy I was...I was SO happy....I can't wait to feel like that again...I was just so dang excited. Usually when someone writes, it is hard to know what tone they are writing in, but I could just hear what I was writing and it was the happiest moments of my life....I just miss my baby so much.....he is all I ever wanted and I was just so ready to be his mommy...man....it hurts so bad....knowing I should be 38 weeks and giving birth any day just absolutely depresses me. I know it makes others feel better to tell me that "it will happen again" and that "I will have my time again" but those are the people who haven't gone through this so it seems like it's the right thing to say....it just really isn't...nothing is the right thing to say honestly. Maybe just saying 'i love you' or 'thinking about you'....if that's really the case. That is better than the other option. I dunno...I guess it just wasn't a good idea to read my old blogs...I wasn't ready for it yet =/

2 months ago

Two months ago to this day, I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy. A beautiful STRONG and BRAVE baby boy who I could not ever imagine my life with out having carried him. He has saved my life and touched so many and it is hard to believe that such a little person could have such a huge impact. I am just absolutely in love with my son and so proud to be his mommy. I miss him every single day, but I know he is so happy up there in heaven. He definitely has some amazing family up there to play with and be with.

I love you Hayden <3

Need

As Hayden's due date is rapidly approaching (less than 4 weeks away), I am in need of some serious prayer. I have been extremely upset and emotional about missing my baby lately....Help me Lord :'(

Tummy ache

I have seriously determined that drinking just cannot be my 'thing'...ever...I get SOOO sick every time! Even if it is just a couple drinks I am like on the toilet the entire next day!! It sucks!

I suppose it isn't good for me anyway, especially in this condition...
I just can't seem to write long blogs anymore! Ughh!! It's like nothing has really been going on lately so nothing to update on....
However, I do get to get my hair done on Thursday and then on Saturday I am going to Cathleen's birthday party which is a 20's theme so that should be fun.
I am really excited to be off the coumadin because the headaches have stopped, but my joints and muscles ache all the time now....it sucks really bad! I am on Asprin every day, but I guess the APS is just acting up and there isn't much I can do about it :((
Oh well!
TTYL