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Sunday, January 30, 2011

Just Stuff

As of yesterday, you can look at this three ways:
1) I should have been 32 weeks and 6 days prego and having my baby shower and I wasn't -OR-
2) I should have a three week old baby and I don't -OR-
3) It marked three weeks since my baby went to heaven and it sucks.

Either way you look at it, it's not good :( I miss my little man so much. I just wish I would have held him every second of the day after he was born. I am very proud of myself that I did build up the courage to hold him, however, now I crave more and can't help but have a little bit of regret in the fact that I didn't take advantage of the time I could have spent with him.

Mommy loves you so much Hayden.

I wanted to go visit him today, but it is pouring. Maybe this week he will give mommy and daddy a bit of sunlight and we can go sit with him for a while. Last night, Jeff and I went to a couple of our favorite hang outs and just made an evening of it together laughing and dancing. It was super fun and much needed, but I am definitely being punished for over indulging. It honestly didn't hit me until I was in the bathroom having a hell of a time (not.) and God literally spoke to me. He told me that drinking alcohol is not a sin, however, over indulging (in anything) is sin. He also told me that He has big plans for me and I need to keep my body healthy. I then understood why it was that I was having the first HORRIBLE hangover I have ever had. Because things in my life have changed, spiritually and physically after having given birth to Hayden; an angel. A lot of things in life change when you give birth to an angel, let me tell you. And I haven't even discovered what half of the things are yet.

-On another note-

I go to the Doctor tomorrow for my weekly INR test. Also, Dr. Dave basically wants me to 'get on their ass' about referring me to a hematologist. He told me not to wait til March, and to just get on them about it, even if I have to call every day, because the answers my primary care doctor is giving me are not valid answers. The thing I love about Dr. Dave is that if he doesn't know something, he isn't going to sit there and give you a bull shit answer just to get you out the door. He just tells you, "Seriously, I don't know, but I will send you to someone who does." It's awesome when people are man enough just to admit they don't know everything. Anyway, I am interested to know what the hematologist says about how long I will have to be on these medications and when Jeff and I can start trying again after I stop taking it. Because my primary care doc said I would be on it for 6 months and then we could try right away, Doctor Dave has no clue, but doesn't know if thats right, and I have yet to see the hematologist. So hopefully someday I will get some answers. **sigh**

Anyways, gotta get ready to go to dinner at Cattleman's with Kay Kay and Martin tonight!

Ta-Ta for now

Friday, January 28, 2011

Absolutely Perfect

Well, Yesterday we went to the doctor to find out that there was absolutely nothing wrong with him when they did the autopsy. Nothing. He was absolutely perfect and it was just a 'fluke'. How can you tell me that my big healthy baby boy just died for no reason??? It is so frustrating. We also found out that it will likely be longer than 6 months before we can try again for another baby. But I have to wait to hear from the hematologist for sure, he may say sooner or later. **sigh**
I really don't feel like writing at all....I just wanted to update everyone on the autopsy results. It's so frustrating but the good thing is, at least there is not something genetic that we need to worry about trying again.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Spiritual Experience

It is honestly just crazy to me how things just 'fall into place'. Geez, Kaila, c'mon, things don't fall into place! God has already set them in place, it's just we as humans are too dumb to notice it until it hits us in the nose!

Tonight, I had the awesome priveledge to go to Pastor Debbie's house (Pastor Don's wife; who did my wedding and Hayden's funeral) and experience such an indescribable experience. Nana, my grandma, is very close with her and Pastor Debbie had been telling her that she wanted me to come to her house for a while. Upon walking up to her adorable little house, I felt nervous, honestly, about what exactly was going to take place there. I had seen Pastor Debbie speak at a women's retreat a few years back and I know how strong of a woman she is and how strong her relationship with God is. When we walked in, I just felt so welcome. Her home was so cozy and extremely cute. There were only a few lamps on in the home and candles were lit everywhere. She offered us coffee and told us just to come sit at her dining room table. We sat and sipped coffee and joked for a while.

Pastor Debbie then said, "Well, I have been praying about this so much but I honestly don't really know why it is that God brought you here! So, let's just go with it and see where he takes us tonight." (right then I knew exactly why...see later on in the story hehe)

She then asked me to tell my story, about Hayden. I have told this story a million times and it has become so easy, but this time, it was hard again. I cried a bit, but got the story out. By the time I was finished, I had no tears anymore. Like I have said, I feel always feel this odd sense of peace. She went on to ask me if I had any feelings of guilt or negativity, or if my pregnancy had originally been a "wanted" pregnancy or anything like that. I had to be honest. I had no feelings like this at all. I have felt very at peace and happy through this whole thing. Of course I am sad that my baby is not here, but the sense of comfort I feel when I think about where he is just makes me so happy that it over powers the sadness. As for if we had wanted the pregnancy at the beginning or not, we were beyond excited when we found out! We were nervous to tell the family obviously because this was not a planned pregnancy and we weren't married, but our family was excited just like we were and Hayden was/is our pride and joy.

After discussing this for a while, I went on to tell her about my Face2Face group and how much it means to me and how excited I am to create this save haven for women just like me to come together and just understand each other and be together. Pastor Debbie then said that she knew why I had come. It was because I was to be trained by her in how to minister about my experience and share my story with others. She felt very strongly about my happiness and optimism and how much I could help other women using this tool. She told me that she believed that God put me in place with the Face2Face group to lead me down a path to what I am supposed to be doing for God and for other women that have had experiences like mine. (I KNEW IT!)

Now, I am not one to be all preachy, but I sure as heck know that God is real and I do believe in the power and greatness He has in our lives. I definitely don't live a 'perfect' life by any means, but I do believe that God is going to be doing great things in my life through the experience I have had.

After talking at her table for a while longer, Pastor Debbie took Nana and I up to her prayer room which is set up beautifully. She had us sit at the table and she anointed me and prayed over me to prepare me for this new journey God is going to be taking me on. The experience was incredible. As she prayed over Jeff and I, I just had a vision of he and I sitting on our bed, holding hands and praying together. It was so awesome because that is not something that Jeff and I do, but it is something that I have been longing for us to do.

After she prayed and anointed me, she also prayed for and anointed Nana. This was so wonderful because Nana is always worried about all of us, all of our family. It was wonderful for me to witness someone else praying over her. Pastor Debbie prayed a sense of peace and comfort over her, a sense of freshness in the spirit, and for Moms' Alzheimer's to be stopped. Nana really needed this and it was great to see her afterwords; just looking so refreshed and relieved.

I can't wait to begin this new journey, and more so I can't wait to share my experience with Jeff. I want him to know how good this feels :)

Monday, January 24, 2011

Health Update: Regarding DVT

So, went in for my new 'weekly event': INR testing for my blood.
To get you up to speed on what this is, I have provided a definition on why I need to get these tests done weekly:
"The International Normalized Ratio, or (INR), is used to monitor the effectiveness of blood thinning drugs such as warfarin (Coumadin) which are the meds that I take daily. These drugs help inhibit the formation of blood clots. They are prescribed on a long-term basis to patients who have experienced recurrent inappropriate blood clotting. This includes those who have had heart attacks, strokes, and deep vein thrombosis (DVT, which is what I had). The anti-coagulant drugs must be carefully monitored to maintain a balance between preventing clots and causing excessive bleeding."

Okay, so anyway, last week when I had my first INR test which is a simple finger prick, my number was 3.1 For people who are on coumadin, they want your levels to be between 2 and 3, 'normal' people, the level should be like 1.5 or something. So, they lowered my dosage of meds after last week. This week, my INR reading was 7.4!!!!!!!!!!!! WAY WAY too thin!!!! My finger was actually squirting blood and bled for several minutes!! So, they lowered my dosage again. And I will have another test done next Monday.

We also found out that I will be on this medication for at least 6 months. During that time it is very important that I DO NOT get pregnant until after that 6 months. Man. That hurt today. But I just keep telling myself I need to get completely healthy and well before trying again. Plus, we figured we would start 'trying' between March and June July isn't too far off. We also found out that I would be seeing a hematologist in March to see if the clot has been absorbed by my body yet and to get some more blood work ups done. Ew, but I guess I gotta do what I gotta do. I did, however, get the OK to start exercising some. So today I went for a walk :) It felt good. It was a short walk, about a mile, but still for not doing ANY form of exercise in a while it felt really good.

Side Note not health related: I finally stopped bleeding :) I know, I know, TMI, but I want to mark this down so I know how long to expect that crap to last after the next baby! Geez, a two week period is crappy! LOL. Also, we went and gave the memorial place a copy of Hayden's picture and his foot prints and paid the deposit for his headstone. It should take about 2 months for everything to be completely done :) I am excited, it is going to be beautiful.

Well, Thursday we see Dr. Dave. I am anxious to know if they found anything during the autopsy. I am also anxious to know if after all these issues I have had if he will be my doctor for the next pregnancy or if I will have to see a high-risk doctor only next time =/

I will update you all Thursday :)

In my Dreams

Last night, my little boy visited me in my dreams, and while it may not make sense to anyone else, I can't even talk about it without crying because of how real it was.

I remember going to the funeral home to pick up Hayden's body for some reason. As I walked up to the door, I saw a car seat with a beautiful baby boy dressed adorably and all bundled up. I thought 'That's my baby....That's Hayden'. I walked over to the car seat and looked down at the beautiful baby. He was perfect, as perfect as I remembered him. And he was breathing. He was alive! I took him out of his car seat and held him for so long. He cooed and smiled at me. We ended up at my great-grandparents house where the whole family got to see him. I took him into the back living room away from everyone where I breast-fed him (and my boob was sore this morning when I woke up) and changed his diaper. I put a new outfit on him and he went back to sleep, back to heaven.

Even though my day with my Hayden was just in a dream is was so extremely real to me and I will treasure the fact that he came to visit me and that God allowed me to have such a vivid experience. I think this means I am going to have a good day today :)

Saturday, January 22, 2011

May have found my calling??

So, since all of this happened and I left the hospital, every day I searched for organizations that help moms like me, or online support groups, or just forums where I could talk to other moms that know how I feel. I came across one called Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope. On this site, women who have experienced loss through miscarriage, still birth, or infant loss come together and post a photo of their face along with their story. I read a few stories which were so similar to mine that it made me cry, and then browsed the site a little. There was a link to their organization called I am the Face. I loved it. There, were just the faces of all these women who have experienced these pregnancy and infant losses, just as I have. There were so many; thousands. I visited this site every day for a few days and posted their logo as my profile picture on Facebook. This morning I was looking at the site again and came across the fact that they are looking for group leaders for support groups in cities everywhere! I scrolled through the California list and saw that there was not a group yet formed in the Fresno or Clovis area! A light bulb went on. Without even thinking about the time or energy that would need to go into a group like this, I applied to start heading the Fresno and Clovis area Face2Face Friendship and Support group. And guess what, about 3 hours ago, I got an e-mail back with the packet of paperwork to start! I am so excited!!! The first meeting will be Friday, Feb 25. Location is currently TBA until I figure out who will be coming. I am just so, so incredibly excited. I am going to make up flyers and pass them out at my doctor's office and at the hospital. If you or anyone you know has experienced a loss at anytime in her life, even if it was 20 years ago, you/they are welcome to join us :) I am also going to get a group together to walk the Angel Babies "Walk to Remember" in honor of Hayden on May 7th. I will keep everyone posted about that :)

Here is the Facebook page:!/pages/Face2Face-FresnoClovis/103055686438461

Great Poem for Grieving Dads

I found this poem on babycenter in one of my grief groups. Great to help remember that daddy's are suffering too. Jeff has been so strong for me. Waking up with me in the middle of the night when I am crying my eyes out, he just supports me when I am snappy and short on my bad days and he laughs with me and hugs and kisses me during all the times in between. I feel so lucky to have him in my life. But anyway, here is the poem:

It must be very difficult
To be a man in grief,
Since "men don't cry"
and "men are strong"
No tears can bring relief.

It must be very difficult
To stand up to the test,
And field the calls and visitors
So she can get some rest.

They always ask if she's all right
And what she's going through.
But seldom take his hand and ask,
"My friend, but how are you?"

He hears her crying in the night
And thinks his heart will break.
He dries her tears and comforts her,
But "stays strong" for her sake.

It must be very difficult
To start each day anew.
And try to be so very brave-
He lost his baby too.

Friday, January 21, 2011


I just keep thinking about the last time I remember feeling Hayden move. It was Sunday, January 1st and I had been worried all weekend that something wasn't right because he wasn't moving very much. I woke up that morning and just lay in bed waiting for him to move. Finally he kicked me so incredibly hard! I was just so happy because I was so worried for my baby and he gave me such a big kick like he was telling me not to worry about him. Little did I know the following weekend I would have to say goodbye. I just want to hold him. I want to kiss him. I hate that I didn't have any inclination that he was suffering or that his heart wasn't beating strong enough or whatever it was that caused him to not make it. He was just so beautiful and big. Such a big boy and so healthy. How can a baby's heart who is so healthy just stop beating?

I am thinking about how petrified I am going to be during my next pregnancy. They told me throughout my pregnancy with Hayden that everything was perfect, so telling me that next time isn't going to help anything. I will never believe it until the baby is in my arms and I get to take them home. I just want the baby I had to bury. I shouldn't have to worry about anything, I was supposed to already be a mommy. Trying for another baby shouldn't be something scary. Trying for a second baby should have not been for a couple years and I should be talking to Hayden and getting him excited to have a younger brother or sister. It's just so not fair. With today's technology and all the science we have baby's shouldn't just die for no reason. There is a reason. There has to be a reason. It must be like the quote says, they are "too beautiful for earth".

Wednesday, January 19, 2011


"An Angel in the book of life wrote down my baby's birth.
And whispered as she closed the book, "Too beautiful for earth."
~Author Unknown~

I found this quote and absolutely fell in love. So perfect. I am going to have it engraved on his headstone.
You know, after the beautiful service yesterday, I just feel so at peace. Honestly, I really didn't cry as much as I thought I would and I think that has to do with the fact that Hayden was holding my hand the entire time and wiping my tears away. I just know that he is so happy where he is and I feel so lucky that I got to be his mother and the one who carried him all those months.
The balloon release was just absolutely breath-taking. It was just such an overwhelming sense of, I don't know what other word to use but peace. Really, that's all I can say about it. I love my son so much and miss him soooo incredibly much, but I am so happy for him that he gets to be in heaven dancing in the clouds while he waits for me.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011


In the past I used to write poems when I was in times of "sadness". Little did I know, I had not known sadness until I lost my child. And during this time, ironic but, I could not write. Finally I developed the courage to write for him on the day of his funeral, Today, January 18th 2011 at 1:00pm.


Today I say goodbye,
to my baby, oh so small,
Today I have to realize,
I will never see him crawl

Or walk or talk or sing,
Or ever touch the sand,
I never get to read him books,
Or even hold his hand

Instead I place gold flowers,
Where his perfect body lay,
Why does this have to happen,
Why Lord, Why today?

I know my baby angel,
Will always be with me,
And there will one day be a time,
When it's his face I finally see

The Lord will show me one day,
Why Hayden is not near,
The problem is today,
I still wonder why he's not here

Help mommy be strong today,
I miss you so, so much,
Stay close to mommy's heart,
And let me feel your touch

Today I blow my kisses,
And send all of Mommy's love,
To my sweet angel baby,
Who will forever live above

~Kaila Pfeifer~

Monday, January 17, 2011

What Next

Honestly. What is going to happen next?? I am trying so hard to be positive, but every time I start to get through one thing, another begins. I lost my child. I developed a dangerous blood clot. And now am having excruciating kidney pain. And my doctor can't see me for another hour. Also, I can't stop peeing. It's ridiculous. As soon as my leg felt better, this starts. It is really hard to begin the grieving process over my son when all of these distractions and problems are in my midst. Some may think "just be happy you are alive". Being alive may sound great for some, but my child is in heaven and all I am going through right now is agony physically so dancing in the clouds with my baby sounds much better than 'being alive'. Now, now, no one run off and start saying I'm suicidal. It is just so frustrating going through this right now. I cannot wait until I can just take a breath of fresh air and my body is just completely healed of everything. But for now, I get to sit in a stuffy doctors office and be in pain. Plus, I will have to have MORE blood work done to make sure this DVT business is under control. Man, once this is all over, I think we have earned it to have a WONDERFUL life. I hate to be whiny, but again, it's my blog and that's exactly what it's here for.

Sunday, January 16, 2011


It is so hard not to be just absolutely achingly jealous every time I see a woman walking around pregnant...or see someone's ultrasound pictures pop up on facebook. I am so happy for all my friends who are going to be welcoming their little bundles, but I can't help the empty hunger that hits my heart so hard every time I see the little bellies or hear a baby cry. I can't help but think about how that should be me...My baby should be here in 8 weeks....but he has already come and gone.

I have such a yearning and want to be a mommy. I want to have a baby so badly and I am so afraid that I will be scared out of my mind my whole next pregnancy. I mean, I was told the whole time that every thing was perfect this time around, who's to say it won't happen again?? Or perhaps pregnancy won't happen again for me... God only knows. I just hope that I can one day experience that joy I once had when Hayden would jump around inside me, poking me with his heels as Jeff and I would laugh at the alien-like appearance my tummy would have. I am trying so hard not to be jealous... and though my heart hurts so badly everytime pregnancy is mentioned, I really am happy for everyone else...really, I am.

Dear God,
Please just protect me from this web of jealousy I am caught up in. I can't help but be full of it when I see everyone with these babies while I never got to experience mine. I know you have a plan for me and I put all of my trust in you Lord. Please make my heart happy again. Please help my heart find that joy I once had. I long so much for a baby to feel my womb and I am willing to wait for you to bless me with that in your timing if that is in your plan for me. If it is not, please help me to understand that. Thank you for all you have blessed me with and thank you for blessing me with such a patient and understanding husband. He has been by my side this whole process and has been my rock without a single complaint.
In Jesus' Name,

Friday, January 14, 2011


Definition: Deep venous thrombosis is a condition in which a blood clot forms in a vein that is deep inside the body.
Causes: Childbirth and bed rest. AKA both these activities I participated in this weekend. (there are more causes but that is what caused mine.
Treatment: Leg elevated, off feet, injections twice daily of Lovenox and taking Coumodin once daily. Will know more Monday after I visit the doctor.

Honestly, what more could go wrong in my life. Last night as we wait in the hospital room much longer than necessary, I looked over to Jeff and asked him "What next?" He looked at me, just as worn down as I am and said so matter of fact, "This should be about it." I couldn't help but laugh because it was just so true that seriously, if this isn't the last bad thing that happens too us, I don't know what on earth else could happen. It just seems as though it's one thing after another...

Alright, now that I have been able to vent my negative feelings I want to try and think positively. The only way I can do so is through the grace of God. I am not trying to be all "Holyer than Now" or anything, but I know that only God can take charge of a situation such as this.

Please God, let this be it for the negatives, we are so ready to try and start the healing process. My baby boy is with you, and I don't want him looking down on me in pain. Thank you for keeping Jeff so strong. What an incredible husband I have. You sent me a soldier and I am forever grateful that I have him to lean on during this time. Thank you for my mother and all of my family, Lord. The strength you have given to my mom and the rest of my family is beyond incredible and I feel so honored to be apart of their family. You have truly blessed us with the presence of each other, supporting each other through this time. And thank you so much for the strength you have given to me. I didn't think I would be able to get out of bed, but you pick me up everyday and put me on my feet. Even if I physically can only walk to the bathroom and back, I know there are others who are worse off than I am. I just thank you for the things going good in my life, the togetherness you have given our family and friends, even if it was losing baby Hayden that brought us all closer, I am glad that it has brought us something great. Please Lord, just walk with me and heal my leg so I can better do the tasks you ask of me. I don't want to be going through this Lord and I just need you to be here with me to help me through this. I know there are going to be a lot of tests and doctor visits ahead, and I just pray that you give wisdom to the doctors who are going to be assisting me through the healing if this condition. Another thing I want to pray for is if you wish to bring us future children, I hope you bring them to us in your timing and with pure peace and grace. I am going to trust you with what the future holds for us.
In Jesus' name,

Thursday, January 13, 2011


***This may be too much information for some, but it's real, and it's my blog***

So I thought that since my baby was born at only 28 weeks gestation, maybe my milk wouldn't come in. Since Hayden and I were separated from each other, that maybe just maybe I wouldn't have to go through THIS part of postpartum. Or maybe I would be cut some slack and at least not have to go through this since I have had to go through so much already.

I thought wrong. Yesterday, the fourth day after giving birth, my boobs became engorged and now look like two huge squares literally in AT LEAST a double "D" size. The pain is absolutely unbearable. I have tried all the "tricks in the book" to relieve the pain; soaking them in warm water, taking ibuprofen, wearing a sports bra 24 hours a day, ice packs....EVERYTHING.

I just wish that Hayden was here to help me get through this. If he were here, there would be somewhere for this milk to go. If he were here, then I would feel the pain was all worth it. But he isn't here, and I sit at home waiting for my body to run it's natural course after giving birth with no baby in my arms to hold. Another thing I find hard to accept.

Jeff and I have decided that in June we will begin to try again for our second child. I almost feel out of place not being pregnant. I got so used to the lifestyle and the yearning to be a mommy that I don't think I even know how to NOT be pregnant or NOT be a mommy. It is just one of those things I suppose.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Strong Day

Today is a strong day for me. Last night, I slept through the night and did not wake up to break down as I have done the past four nights. I haven't shed a single tear today. I have cried so much that I just simply cannot cry anymore right now. This morning, right when I woke up, the tears which usually well up when I walk into the living room just simply weren't there. I actually made it into the shower today and did my hair and makeup for the first time in three days. I had told God that I was just going to give everything to him. I kept repeating it over and over that everything; my sorrows, my grief, my hurt, my anger, my pain, were all going to be given to him. I told him that I was just going to give up on being sad. And this is what I got in return: strong day. I love this day, because it is the first day I have been able to go out to lunch and go shopping. Not full on shopping, I just went to Target to get pads and ibuprophen, but it was a normal everyday duty nevertheless. I hope to continue to have strong days because it felt so good. I do know there will still be hard days, but when those days come, I will just simply tell God that again I am just going to hand everything to him in a nicely put together lunch bag and send it on it's way. I don't need it anymore; the sorrows, sadness and pain. It doesn't feel good. Why should I be sad that my baby boy is in the most amazing, special, holy, and beautiful place anyone could ever imagine?

Sunday, January 9, 2011

One of the times you DONT want to be right.

This weekend I have experienced the worst incident anyone could possibly imagine: the loss of their child. I don't even know what to say about the whole thing except for how it's not fair. Why does everyone else get to go home with their babies and mine lies asleep forever?

After last weekend's scare with the slowed fetal movement, slow turned to stop and I just knew something wasn't right. I called Dr. Dave's office on Friday afternoon around 2:00pm and let them know what was happening. They told me to immediately go to the labor and delivery at the hospital for a stress test. My mom picked me up from work and we headed there. My mind told me everything would be fine; my heart knew otherwise. The second the placed the doppler to my stomach and there was no heartbeat, my entire sense of being disappeared. I just looked around the room for someone to please just help my baby but there was nothing anyone could do; he was gone. I delivered the most beautiful handsome baby boy on Saturday Jan. 8th 2011 at 2:55pm. I didn't want to see him. I was so afraid that if I saw him looking distressed or in pain that I would never be able to get that image out of my head. Later in the evening I was finally able to muster up the courage to see him. Oh my God he was perfect. Every single feature on his body was flawless and I just cannot understand why on earth he was taken from me. Why did I carry him without a single issue for this long, his heartbeat so strong and his kicks with enough power to fuel a professional soccer team, and he was still taken away from me. He was so beautiful. The nurses that took care of Jeff and I were so wonderful. Their names were Candy and Nancy and they had to most amazing hearts in the world.
I will never forget the moment we drove away from the hospital and I really realized he wasn't coming home with us. It was a moment of pure anger, confusion, despair, and about nine or ten other emotions.
Upon arriving at home, Jeff and I looked through the memory box the hospital created for us. It was absolutely incredible. The photo CD they provided was great, they included a tape measure with all of his measurements documented on it (head circumference, foot length, full body length etc), his outfit, blanket, and hospital tag, a few locks of hair, and foot prints. It honestly made me feel more at peace to go through the box.
Our family and friends have been beyond supportive and incredible. So many people have stepped up and offered to make meals, do chores, and just simply keep us company. It is such a wonderful thing to have so many loving people surrounding us. For now, we are going to take time to heal, which of course will be a process. I know we have a roller coaster of emotions racing ahead of us, but we have been so strong and supportive of each other I know we will be okay. I am having a necklace engraved with Hayden's footprints on it and Jeff is having a dog tag made. Just something nice to keep close to us.
The biggest thing I hate right now is hearing all the "it will be okay" and "you will have another healthy baby". I know people think this is what you want to hear but I honestly would love for someone to just fall to the floor and crumble with me. The last thing I am worried about is feeling the want to have another baby. Of course I want to try again in the future, but it's definitely not something I want to think about right now. I should be enjoying the baby I will never get to hold or kiss or love EVER again. How will I ever be able to get through another day without wondering what it would have been like 'had he be born'??? Can you tell me how I am supposed to explain to my future children how their first brother never made it here, despite the fact that he was perfect?? How are we supposed to listen to the radio with the chance that Hayden's song "Anything Like Me" by Brad Paisley might come on? Tell me please how I am supposed to go in his room and just put away all of his brand new clothes and toys he will never wear or play with or how I am ever going to be able to put a new baby in his crib he never slept in, knowing it was meant to be HAYDEN's bed??? TELL ME!!!!!! I am so angry. I look in the mirror at my body and my tummy is flat, not even so much as a single stretch mark or bump. No one would know I gave birth to the most beautiful angel just two days ago. All that's left of him are my memories. I will never see him smile, laugh, crawl, walk, talk, play, go to kindergarten, play sports, graduate, NOTHING. I want to know WHY. Being wheeled out of the labor and delivery room to go home without a baby in your arms is completely UNACCEPTABLE. Hearing the women in the rooms nearby crying tears of joy at the sound of their baby's heartbeats and breaths of life while mine lay there quiet is just something that is absolutely UNACCEPTABLE. Having to deliver your baby and go through postpartum without reaping the reward at the end is UNACCEPTABLE.

There are moments I feel 'happy'. But mostly, I am in absolute agony right now. I know I will get through this and I am being strong. But there are just things I will never be able to accept or be "okay" with.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

"Kicking" off the New Year with a New Trimester!

No pun intended hehehe :) Well, yesterday we officially started the final chapter of the third trimester and boy did the second trimester come to an interesting hault! The last two days of the 2nd tri, Hayden decided he just was going to give mommy a friggin heart attack and not move...AT ALL! After consulting my dear friend Melanie and looking up everything I could find on the internet (also trying cold juice, hot showers, laying down quitely, all the tricks in the book), I decided to give him one more chance before I took his little booty to the emergency room! Right about that time he gave a swift kick telling me "Yo mom! Calm down will ya?? I'm just growin' here!" He has been a squirming ball of fun since then :) I feel so much better :) Our trip down to visit my dad, Lisa, and the boys was awesome. Michael is SOO excited to be an Uncle and doesn't ever take a break from talking about Hayden or asking questions :) It's adorable. I know Garth and Daniel are excited too! Lisa and Dad spoiled us and got our diaper bag full with adorable goodies inside including his first silver rattle, blankets, socks, etc!! It was so nice. Plus a gift card for me to go get my big prego but some clothes which I am in desperate need of. Aunt Nell, Uncle Ernie, Meg and Cleigh also spoiled us and bought us a $50 gift card to babies R us, some Addias socks, Under Armor socks and a super cuddly blanket :) This kid is loved already can you tell? Haha. We have our glucose screening Thursday at 7:30am and we have to do the 3 hour test. FUN. And then we see Dr. Dave next week. The count down is really starting to begin....and becoming very REAL very FAST! :)