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Tuesday, May 22, 2012

I Haven't Forgotten

While some may think while I haven't kept up on my blog that I have simply forgotten about my son when really, this is the farthest from the truth. As a matter of fact, the last few months I have thought of Hayden more than ever. In October we moved into a new home. What this means is, though Hayden's crib and furniture are set up in a bedroom in this new house, Hayden officially no longer as "his room". This was very difficult to deal with, as I couldn't bare the thought of putting away all of his clothes and stuffed animals. I kept them out, hoping that maybe I would become pregnant again and his sibling would be able to use his things. Obviously that has not happened and the longer the room remains empty, the more I give up each day on having another child. The pain of spending what should have been Hayden's first Christmas without him was easily drunk away, tears hidden behind multiple glasses of wine and eaten in hoards of food. Many of our family members made this time as special as it could be, but nothing could ease the pain for more than a temporary time. The one year anniversary of Hayden's passing came and came over and spent time with was a nice celebration. My emotions had become numb by now; I hadn't really felt much around the last few months and was surprised that I didn't cry through all of these events....not even once. The following months were full of birthdays and other celebrations....Still, no pregnancy and the amount of jealousy of others who were continuously announcing pregnancies was growing rapidly. As a matter of fact, I hadn't felt this until two friends (that I had assumed were close friends) both "hid" pregnancies from me--one I found about from another friend who assumed I knew already and the other I found out because of an obvious post on facebook. I am sure they 'only told a few people'...I had at least assumed I was close enough to each of them to be one of the first to know. Funny, as "strong" as people think I am, they still feel that hiding something such as this will be 'better' for me. I really wish people would stop trying to 'protect' me, and just tell me how it is. ESPECIALLY if we are supposedly "close". And when my one friend miscarried a couple weeks ago, of course I was there for her...I am good at that...and obviously wouldn't let someone go through that without being their for them, whether I am hurt or not...Anyway, the bottom line is, no, I haven't forgotten about Hayden. The shirts I had made for the Angel Babies walk this year were amazing. I was so proud sporting my sweet baby's feet on my shirt, making sure everyone knew I was his mommy. I may not 'do' as much as other angel baby mothers or parents, however, I absolutely have NOT forgotten. Every single thing I feel has a connection to Hayden and I think about him every day in every breath I take. The somber tone of this post I suppose just comes from a broken heart right now. Maybe even a jealous heart. A when is it going to be my turn heart. A why me heart. An it's not fair heart. An I miss Hayden heart.

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