Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Getting Through "Baby Season"
Honestly. Everyone is either announcing pregnancy or just gave birth. It is probably the hardest thing in the world for me right now to sit here with a smile plastered on my face and act like I am not beyond envious. I know that my 'time will come' but holy crap. We have been trying for like 6 months and nothing but a miscarriage which I call a 'teaser' pregnancy. I have no one else to whine to, my husband is sick of hearing about it and no one else wants to hear me whine, so I'll just sit here and feel sorry for myself right here. My heart aches every single day for a baby. Yes, I am very excited for our new house, but at the same time, I want to be pregnant more than anything in the world. It seems as though everyone but me is getting to experience this wonderful thing that I got cheated out of. I am not angry at God, I am just angry. I want to be a mother and I am not understanding why I don't get to be. I just went and had a bunch of blood tests done and I am back to being healthy. The doctor said, "Now would be a good time to get pregnant because you are in really good health right now."....Well, tell that to whoever makes the decisions around here. I am just ready to carry a baby again and it's not fair that after all I have been through I have to just sit here and watch everyone else be happy. I hate sounding this selfish, but I have to get it out. I promise I will be a good mom. I go out and visit Hayden every day, cut the grass from around his headstone, clean it off, bring him fresh flowers- everything I can do for him to be a good mom. I will give a baby all of me, all of my love and focus. I just don't understand why I can't have my turn :((