Thursday, February 3, 2011
It's really hard
I don't know if anyone else knows how I feel, but it is just becoming more and more difficult for me to be happy for my friends who are having babies....I have 8 friends who are expecting right now, and as much as I am DYING to see them/hear about their pregnancies and see the pictures, I just absolutely cannot. I try and force myself to because I know I won't be able to feel this way forever, and I can't....I get short of breath, my heart starts pounding and I have to swallow so hard to keep the tears from flowing. In the doctors office the other day, two women came in with baby carriers and as they both tended to their baby's coo's, they conversed about 'how old the babies were' and 'how much they are enjoying motherhood'...It took everything I had to not start bawling....It's so not fair because my son should be due next month...I should be on my 8th month of pregnancy, putting away everything I got from the baby shower. My son should be older than my 8 other friends...instead, I just hold his picture in my palm... Today my mom, little brother and I took flowers over to the cemetery where there still is only a stake in the ground, his name stamped on it like just another piece of paperwork. The flowers Jeff and I took over were removed. I wondered why his temporary headstone hadn't been put in and why they had removed my flowers. The clean up wasn't set until March 31. I went into the office at the cemetery to ask the ladies about these two questions. When I asked one lady when the temporary headstone would be placed, an older lady in a VERY rude tone stated "They are placed a month from burial." and when I asked what had happened to my flowers she stated again, like I was wasting her time that I, "should have not put the flowers in a basket. Baskets are NOT allowed. If you want flowers there just lay them on the ground. Otherwise they will be removed." I just turned and walked out the door. I bawled my head off. What a mean person. Completely insensitive to someone. If you work at a cemetery, you should be as nice as possible. People are there grieving their loved ones. I'm sure if it were her child or grandchild, her tone would be COMPLETELY different.