Thinking

I just keep thinking about the last time I remember feeling Hayden move. It was Sunday, January 1st and I had been worried all weekend that something wasn't right because he wasn't moving very much. I woke up that morning and just lay in bed waiting for him to move. Finally he kicked me so incredibly hard! I was just so happy because I was so worried for my baby and he gave me such a big kick like he was telling me not to worry about him. Little did I know the following weekend I would have to say goodbye. I just want to hold him. I want to kiss him. I hate that I didn't have any inclination that he was suffering or that his heart wasn't beating strong enough or whatever it was that caused him to not make it. He was just so beautiful and big. Such a big boy and so healthy. How can a baby's heart who is so healthy just stop beating?

I am thinking about how petrified I am going to be during my next pregnancy. They told me throughout my pregnancy with Hayden that everything was perfect, so telling me that next time isn't going to help anything. I will never believe it until the baby is in my arms and I get to take them home. I just want the baby I had to bury. I shouldn't have to worry about anything, I was supposed to already be a mommy. Trying for another baby shouldn't be something scary. Trying for a second baby should have not been for a couple years and I should be talking to Hayden and getting him excited to have a younger brother or sister. It's just so not fair. With today's technology and all the science we have baby's shouldn't just die for no reason. There is a reason. There has to be a reason. It must be like the quote says, they are "too beautiful for earth".