This weekend I have experienced the worst incident anyone could possibly imagine: the loss of their child. I don't even know what to say about the whole thing except for how it's not fair. Why does everyone else get to go home with their babies and mine lies asleep forever?
After last weekend's scare with the slowed fetal movement, slow turned to stop and I just knew something wasn't right. I called Dr. Dave's office on Friday afternoon around 2:00pm and let them know what was happening. They told me to immediately go to the labor and delivery at the hospital for a stress test. My mom picked me up from work and we headed there. My mind told me everything would be fine; my heart knew otherwise. The second the placed the doppler to my stomach and there was no heartbeat, my entire sense of being disappeared. I just looked around the room for someone to please just help my baby but there was nothing anyone could do; he was gone. I delivered the most beautiful handsome baby boy on Saturday Jan. 8th 2011 at 2:55pm. I didn't want to see him. I was so afraid that if I saw him looking distressed or in pain that I would never be able to get that image out of my head. Later in the evening I was finally able to muster up the courage to see him. Oh my God he was perfect. Every single feature on his body was flawless and I just cannot understand why on earth he was taken from me. Why did I carry him without a single issue for this long, his heartbeat so strong and his kicks with enough power to fuel a professional soccer team, and he was still taken away from me. He was so beautiful. The nurses that took care of Jeff and I were so wonderful. Their names were Candy and Nancy and they had to most amazing hearts in the world.
I will never forget the moment we drove away from the hospital and I really realized he wasn't coming home with us. It was a moment of pure anger, confusion, despair, and about nine or ten other emotions.
Upon arriving at home, Jeff and I looked through the memory box the hospital created for us. It was absolutely incredible. The photo CD they provided was great, they included a tape measure with all of his measurements documented on it (head circumference, foot length, full body length etc), his outfit, blanket, and hospital tag, a few locks of hair, and foot prints. It honestly made me feel more at peace to go through the box.
Our family and friends have been beyond supportive and incredible. So many people have stepped up and offered to make meals, do chores, and just simply keep us company. It is such a wonderful thing to have so many loving people surrounding us. For now, we are going to take time to heal, which of course will be a process. I know we have a roller coaster of emotions racing ahead of us, but we have been so strong and supportive of each other I know we will be okay. I am having a necklace engraved with Hayden's footprints on it and Jeff is having a dog tag made. Just something nice to keep close to us.
The biggest thing I hate right now is hearing all the "it will be okay" and "you will have another healthy baby". I know people think this is what you want to hear but I honestly would love for someone to just fall to the floor and crumble with me. The last thing I am worried about is feeling the want to have another baby. Of course I want to try again in the future, but it's definitely not something I want to think about right now. I should be enjoying the baby I will never get to hold or kiss or love EVER again. How will I ever be able to get through another day without wondering what it would have been like 'had he be born'??? Can you tell me how I am supposed to explain to my future children how their first brother never made it here, despite the fact that he was perfect?? How are we supposed to listen to the radio with the chance that Hayden's song "Anything Like Me" by Brad Paisley might come on? Tell me please how I am supposed to go in his room and just put away all of his brand new clothes and toys he will never wear or play with or how I am ever going to be able to put a new baby in his crib he never slept in, knowing it was meant to be HAYDEN's bed??? TELL ME!!!!!! I am so angry. I look in the mirror at my body and my tummy is flat, not even so much as a single stretch mark or bump. No one would know I gave birth to the most beautiful angel just two days ago. All that's left of him are my memories. I will never see him smile, laugh, crawl, walk, talk, play, go to kindergarten, play sports, graduate, NOTHING. I want to know WHY. Being wheeled out of the labor and delivery room to go home without a baby in your arms is completely UNACCEPTABLE. Hearing the women in the rooms nearby crying tears of joy at the sound of their baby's heartbeats and breaths of life while mine lay there quiet is just something that is absolutely UNACCEPTABLE. Having to deliver your baby and go through postpartum without reaping the reward at the end is UNACCEPTABLE.
There are moments I feel 'happy'. But mostly, I am in absolute agony right now. I know I will get through this and I am being strong. But there are just things I will never be able to accept or be "okay" with.