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Sunday, January 30, 2011

Just Stuff

As of yesterday, you can look at this three ways:
1) I should have been 32 weeks and 6 days prego and having my baby shower and I wasn't -OR-
2) I should have a three week old baby and I don't -OR-
3) It marked three weeks since my baby went to heaven and it sucks.

Either way you look at it, it's not good :( I miss my little man so much. I just wish I would have held him every second of the day after he was born. I am very proud of myself that I did build up the courage to hold him, however, now I crave more and can't help but have a little bit of regret in the fact that I didn't take advantage of the time I could have spent with him.

Mommy loves you so much Hayden.

I wanted to go visit him today, but it is pouring. Maybe this week he will give mommy and daddy a bit of sunlight and we can go sit with him for a while. Last night, Jeff and I went to a couple of our favorite hang outs and just made an evening of it together laughing and dancing. It was super fun and much needed, but I am definitely being punished for over indulging. It honestly didn't hit me until I was in the bathroom having a hell of a time (not.) and God literally spoke to me. He told me that drinking alcohol is not a sin, however, over indulging (in anything) is sin. He also told me that He has big plans for me and I need to keep my body healthy. I then understood why it was that I was having the first HORRIBLE hangover I have ever had. Because things in my life have changed, spiritually and physically after having given birth to Hayden; an angel. A lot of things in life change when you give birth to an angel, let me tell you. And I haven't even discovered what half of the things are yet.

-On another note-

I go to the Doctor tomorrow for my weekly INR test. Also, Dr. Dave basically wants me to 'get on their ass' about referring me to a hematologist. He told me not to wait til March, and to just get on them about it, even if I have to call every day, because the answers my primary care doctor is giving me are not valid answers. The thing I love about Dr. Dave is that if he doesn't know something, he isn't going to sit there and give you a bull shit answer just to get you out the door. He just tells you, "Seriously, I don't know, but I will send you to someone who does." It's awesome when people are man enough just to admit they don't know everything. Anyway, I am interested to know what the hematologist says about how long I will have to be on these medications and when Jeff and I can start trying again after I stop taking it. Because my primary care doc said I would be on it for 6 months and then we could try right away, Doctor Dave has no clue, but doesn't know if thats right, and I have yet to see the hematologist. So hopefully someday I will get some answers. **sigh**

Anyways, gotta get ready to go to dinner at Cattleman's with Kay Kay and Martin tonight!

Ta-Ta for now

1 comment:

  1. Im so glad u have a doctor who is truthful with u.And i pray it wont be as long as 6 months.But if it is that long.I pray those months go by very fast for u.Know i will always be here for u.We will walk thru this pain.And i will be here for when u have your rainbow baby as well.I will be here in bad times and the good times to come.The first year is the hardest.And it many take years.But i found when God blessed me with my first living baby.I didnt have every second to think of my angels.And that did help me heal from all my losses.Just know u have a old lady who cares dearly about u.I hope u can feel Hayden close to u honey.I think of u everyday.Loving hugs