It is so hard not to be just absolutely achingly jealous every time I see a woman walking around pregnant...or see someone's ultrasound pictures pop up on facebook. I am so happy for all my friends who are going to be welcoming their little bundles, but I can't help the empty hunger that hits my heart so hard every time I see the little bellies or hear a baby cry. I can't help but think about how that should be me...My baby should be here in 8 weeks....but he has already come and gone.
I have such a yearning and want to be a mommy. I want to have a baby so badly and I am so afraid that I will be scared out of my mind my whole next pregnancy. I mean, I was told the whole time that every thing was perfect this time around, who's to say it won't happen again?? Or perhaps pregnancy won't happen again for me... God only knows. I just hope that I can one day experience that joy I once had when Hayden would jump around inside me, poking me with his heels as Jeff and I would laugh at the alien-like appearance my tummy would have. I am trying so hard not to be jealous... and though my heart hurts so badly everytime pregnancy is mentioned, I really am happy for everyone else...really, I am.
Please just protect me from this web of jealousy I am caught up in. I can't help but be full of it when I see everyone with these babies while I never got to experience mine. I know you have a plan for me and I put all of my trust in you Lord. Please make my heart happy again. Please help my heart find that joy I once had. I long so much for a baby to feel my womb and I am willing to wait for you to bless me with that in your timing if that is in your plan for me. If it is not, please help me to understand that. Thank you for all you have blessed me with and thank you for blessing me with such a patient and understanding husband. He has been by my side this whole process and has been my rock without a single complaint.
In Jesus' Name,